Shy

Kit

Having Clara join our school has done strange things to my body. My heart is constantly pounding, my head is fuzzy and every step I take feels like I'm walking a mine field. People seem to stay well out of my way though, for which I am grateful.

I sit with Michael at lunch watching her laugh. My thoughts drift back to Caroline and how disgustingly she had spoken to my soulmate. I think she even stepped on her foot or something at one point and my blood boils just at the thought of it.

The 'words' that I had had with her about it seemed to shock her, but I don't feel remotely bad about it.

"Would you stop staring at her? It's a miracle that she hasn't filed for a restraining order." Michael says, throwing a soggy chip at me. It lands worryingly close to me and I nudge it away with my water bottle. He watches me closely, his lips pursed as he observes my behaviour.

"You know, I thought that you'd go softer when she started coming here but instead you're harder than nails. You need to jerk off or something." He says pensively and I glare at him in response.

"She doesn't know yet. Walking around here is the most anxiety inducing part of my day and I'm exhausted. Caroline's being a bitch to her and the worst part is, I can't be there for her because I can't look in her eyes." I hiss.

Michael doesn't take any notice of my mood and shrugs.

"Well, I mean, you could..." He begins.

"No." I utter, ultimately ending his sentence as he huffs.

Truthfully, I'm not sure what's keeping me from her anymore. I've spoken to her more than once, she knows who I am and what I look like.

My fingers twist anxiously.

What if everything I am isn't good enough?

Ultimately I'm being selfish, I know I am. What she doesn't know can't hurt me, but it can't make me happy either. I want her to be happy too, of course I do, it's all I want for her. I push aside my own fears and sigh. It seems to be all I do lately.

I know that it's only a matter of time before I have no choice in the matter, or worse still it happens by accident. I shoot Michael a half smile as an apology and he seems to accept it, happily moving on to the topic of my sister, and how hot he thinks she is.

My mood turns sour once more.

I ignore Michael to the best of my ability, I know he's just doing it to wind me up. And it's working. Kia and Michael seem to have a hazy relationship at the moment, flirting with the line between friendship and something more and it seems to be enough for them right now.

I pout childishly, wishing that flirting and lighthearted banter came easily to me like it does for Michael. I'm too rough around the edges, too intense and serious, pensive and sullen.

When lunch is over I find myself with a free period and I wander to the music rooms. I grab my sheet music from orchestra and settle myself into the piano practice room. It's the biggest room, for good reason, and recently I've been finding sanctuary in here.

I sit at the piano and start the piece, trying to imagine the violins in my mind. I've got it almost perfect but I can't seem to stop practicing, it's my new favourite piece to play and my fingers itch to perform it.

My imagination seems to have improved tenfold, as I can practically hear the violin counterpart from the next room.

I pause.

The violin continues for a moment before stopping too, as if following my cue.

I swallow anxiously, my hand shaking, frozen in place. She's just meters away from me, keeping me company and providing me with the missing piece.

I hesitantly restart the piece, keen to continue playing.

In due course she takes her place, playing ever so softly at first and I smile. I close my eyes briefly, feeling relaxed for the first time in days.

The piece comes to a close and I pause for a moment, my hands still shaking from the adrenaline coursing through my veins.

I start a new piece, a piece that reminds me of her and that she must recognise. Clara's lullaby, the piece I play to lull her to sleep on restless nights. It's slow and soft and incredibly sweet.

I play unaccompanied and I don't mind. This is for her to enjoy, it always has been. I move seamlessly into another piece that I know by heart and seem to lose track of time.

The bell brings me back to my senses, indicating that my next class is due to start any moment and I sigh. But this time there's a smile on my face.