Kit

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Michael and I sit on a bench outside during lunch now. Michael says it's because he can't stand to see me moping, but I think he's secretly concerned. I have no appetite, I've had about 2 hours sleep in two days and I can't think straight.

Her words were arrows and they went straight through me.

'I don't want to talk to you.'

Nothing more definitive than that.

"Kit...stop beating yourself up about this. If she doesn't want...well it's her loss 'cause you're a really great guy." Michael says awkwardly. I know he means well but it's not the kind of thing I can just shrug off.

I lean my head down onto my arms and groan, ignoring Michael's chuckle.

He's silent for a while and I peek up to see what's got him to shut up. He's sat dead straight, frozen in place as he stares at something behind me. His hand darts out and whacks me on the head.

"She's coming over here." He hisses under his breath and I too jolt up, swivelling in place to glance behind me.

She's striding towards us with a scarily determined look on her face, her eyes trained on Michael rather than me. The wind whistles through her hair making her look very much like an avenging goddess.

I swallow nervously, not able to look away from the scene in front of me.

"Christopher, can I have a word with you?" She asks, pausing about a metre away from us. Michael whistles as he exhales, his eyebrows shooting up as he glances at me. It doesn't take a genius to see what he's thinking. I'm in trouble.

I nod, grabbing my bag as I get up to follow her. She's already striding away and I turn back to Michael to see him grinning mischievously as he flashes me a double thumbs up. I grimace.

She leads us to a small field that no one really uses. I'm thankful for the privacy. She stops and turns to face me. She crosses her arms and takes a deep breath.

"So, Chris..." She begins and I frown.

"It's Kit." I interrupt and she pauses, finally looking at me. Her eyes are so much greener than I remember, so full of clarity and honesty. She purses her lips and nods slowly.

"Okay, Kit. How long have you known?" She asks and I look away, exhaling shakily.

That was the one question I didn't want her to ask.

"I first saw you when I was fourteen." I say quietly, my mind drifting back to the moment, still so clear, as if it were yesterday.

"Four years." She mumbles quietly, nodding her head. She's silent for a moment, her eyes concentrating on the floor as she breathes in and out.

"Okay." She says, turning away and walking back the way we came. I frown.

"Wait, is that it?" I call, striding after her and she turns around, tears filling her beautiful eyes and I want to slap myself.

"What else do you want?" She asks earnestly.

"A chance to explain." I say quickly, fighting the urge to go to her.

She looks at me for a moment and sighs, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand before nodding. I walk forwards tentatively and scoop up her hand in mine, leading her to a nearby bench. She frowns but lets me hold her hand and I smile.

She sits next to me and I pause, not really knowing what to say now.

"When I was fourteen, I was diagnosed with social anxiety. Do you...do you know what that is?" I ask, glancing over. She shakes her head.

"I couldn't...I had a lot of trouble speaking to people. My hands would shake, I couldn't look them in the eyes and I was so scared of people thinking I was awkward and weird. I didn't know how to put my thoughts into words...I've never been very sociable but this was different."

"And when I was fourteen I saw you for the first time. It was at your dance recital, that was the first time I saw you dance and I've been to every one since. You really...I can't explain how beautifully you dance." I murmur, my heart practically pounding in my chest as I anxiously twist my fingers together. Her eyes watch the gesture with a strange familiarity.

"I knew exactly who you were, or rather what you were to me as soon as I saw your eyes from the audience."

I clear my throat awkwardly.

"I freaked out. I couldn't fathom how I was supposed to talk to someone like you, or even how someone like you could be paired with someone like me. I spend my life trying to blend in and you naturally stand out."

I glance over and she's watching me patiently, her face completely blank and I sigh.

"I settled for seeing you once a year, at your recitals. Every year I'd look forward to it, the night would come and I'd be reminded of everything you are, and then I'd go back to my normal life. It was like a dream, not real at all."

My voice shakes and I pause for a moment, remembering how everything suddenly began to snowball after Kia's sleepover.

"Last year, everything changed. Kia, I think, has always known that something was up but she didn't know who. She invited her friends round for a sleepover and I couldn't breath knowing that you were just metres below me. You were supposed to be a dream, someone I'm lucky enough to see once a year and it's almost like I'd fooled myself into thinking you didn't exist the rest of the time. It was a...a rude awakening."

I'm quiet for a moment longer, knowing that I'm not explaining very eloquently. I try and look up, to give her the eye contact I've denied her all these years but it's too much. I watch the grass beneath us, my hands trembling, the clouds on the horizon, anything to avoid the disappointment in my soulmates eyes.

"I wasn't ready to speak to you, for you to know me. I wasn't willing to risk blowing it. But you started popping up everywhere, nearly giving me a heart attack each time. Actually, once I did have a..." I trail off and she supplies the words.

"Panic attack." She says quietly and I frown, nodding slightly.

"There was no lying to Kia, she figured it out herself. She's been... encouraging. She's provided opportunities for me to see you, to be near you, even to speak to you." I say breathlessly, memories flashing through my mind.

"What about the other girl?" Clara asks quietly and this time I look over, completely bewildered.

"What other girl?" I ask, my eyes searching her face as she avoids my eyes.

"Kia said there's a girl that you've been crazy about for years and..." She stops talking abruptly and I smile.

"It's always been you." I murmur.

She blushes crimson red, looking anywhere but me and I sigh.

"So, that's it, well the basics of it anyway. I'm sorry, for being selfish and for making you wait so long. I'm sorry that it's me that you've been paired with." I mumble, my words completely honest. I am sorry that she's been lumbered with me.

She doesn't say anything, just watches her hands which are neatly folded on her lap. My chest aches again and I desperately want to run away, feeling thoroughly embarrassed. I don't know why I thought this would change anything, why I thought she would understand.

I pick up my bag and stand up. I hesitate for a moment but there's nothing left to say. I walk away from the bench, wanting in this moment to disappear forever. 

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