Joker

30. Songs, death and life

It happened again. Aki had already had an attack after leaving Nakul the night before but now it was more intense. Aki felt cold and nauseous. His lungs felt like they were contracting and he couldn't breathe in enough air to make them feel full again. He started shaking again as he descended into the coldness of his hell. He cried out but his throat was closing up like his own vocal cords wanted to choke him to death. NO NO NO NO NO NO! NOT AGAIN!

Aki felt like his heart was giving out again, his whole chest was sinking into itself like a black hole of fear and despair. He felt the chains wrap around his mind again and the darkness engulfing him whole. For a moment Aki was sure he was dying. But he felt Nakul wrap his arms around him and whisper "You're okay Aki... Breath... Just breath... one at a time..."

He had gotten so desperate. In order to ease some of his own guilt he tried to get Nakul to give in to his rage and release it on Aki. The guilt strangled Aki, ate him alive, fangs sinking into his heart. It hurt so badly. He was the one hurting Nakul but he couldn't do anything to help him. The more he thought about it, the worse the blizzard got. It was dizzying and terrifying, like being trapped in the centre of a whirlpool in an ocean of hate.

He grabbed his own throat, trying to somehow breathe. Nakul took his hands off his neck and started counting. Aki softly joined. He choked out "Six... S-seven..."

They counted to 103 before Aki stopped shaking and his breathing returned somewhat to normal if still ragged. Nakul wiped Aki's face clean of tears "Better?"

Aki nodded, his mouth felt dry and vaguely tasted like copper "I'm- I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Nakul whispered "You are just worrying for no reason angel. I've been doing this job for years. I know how to handle things so please don't stress yourself out because of me."

"I- I just wanted to help." Aki sniffled "And I didn't know what else I could do-"

"Aki remember when Liza came over that day? To try and take Ayu?" Nakul cupped Aki's cheek "I got really pissed and tried to kiss you to forget it all? You pushed me off and got me through it without using your body. You're the one who pointed out that there's better, healthier ways to coping than just sex."

Aki did remember. He remembered his shock when Nakul pushed him up against a wall and slammed a kiss against Aki's mouth. He nodded "You're right."

"And Aki... you're so beautiful... your body is so perfect angel, it shouldn't be so violently used and abused. I don't have it in me to do that to you so please don't ask me to hurt you or use you in that way." Nakul brushed the bite mark on Aki's collar "You deserve to be loved, cherished and treasured. Not broken for someone else's satisfaction."

Aki teared up "Why are you so goddamn amazing?" Why are you making me fall more in love with you and hate myself more? I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

"I just am." Nakul chuckled and pecked Aki's cheek "Now, if you want to make love you know I'd never refuse but if you ask me for something else... don't. Because I won't give you that."

Aki nodded "I'm sorry."

"Forgiven." Nakul smiled "Now all I need to calm down is some peace and quiet."

"Of course... can I still kiss you though?" Aki asked slightly shyly.

"Please do." Nakul grinned.

Aki kissed him softly "I love you."

"I love you too angel." Nakul said with that perfect dimpled smile.

Someone banged on the door "DAD! DAD! DAD!"