hot chocolate

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6:21am

growing up until now even though it isn't obvious, i have always been a huge believer of superstitious things and beliefs.

i believe in ghosts. as childish as this may sound, i believe that ghosts are always walking among us, humans, on earth. i also believe that there are good and bad ghosts, and that i'm lucky enough to have never experienced encountering a bad one.

i believe in all the things that are said to bring bad luck. whether it's a black cat, a broken mirror, or opening an umbrella indoors. i would always shudder and have a feeling of nervousness throughout the whole day, waiting for my bad luck to come when i come across one of them.

i just couldn't risk not believing in them. it may sound silly, but believing in these things bring me a sense of ease, because it makes me feel like i could never leave anything to chance. like everything on earth, even something like seeing a number 13, can affect my life greatly.

i spend my days like this, believing in things that have no concrete basis on whether they're true or false.

just like whenever we'd have graded recitations during class, and vada would be called to recite. just before vada speaks, i would discreetly knock twice on my wooden desk, to encourage good luck.

whenever i was with vada and i would see a fallen eyelash on her cheek, i'd grab it using my fingertips and tell her to make a wish. i always secretly hoped that her wishes were about us.

whenever i would eat in my apartment and i'd accidentally drop my fork, i always can't help but feel excited. because dropping a fork meant that a woman was coming over. i always hoped that it would be vada, surprising me.

i also believe in what the russians believe in, that giving yellow flowers to someone symbolized sadness and deceit. which is why whenever i would give vada flowers, like during valentine's day or my promposal, i made sure not one single yellow flower was present.

i remember the box of numerous unique things and letters, vada's handwriting, and the way she explained each item to make me believe that she was, and still is, real.

which is why i'm standing here, asking myself, if i can believe in these things that have no solid basis and no solid evidence, what gives me the right to not believe in vada?

it's 6:21am, a minute before vada's deadline.

and i'm standing here, a few feet away from her as she has her back turned away from me. she's too busy watching the buildings and the people below her to notice that i arrived.

i make the most out of this final minute, moving a bit so i can see the side of her face. i smile to myself once i see that her eyes are fixated on the view below, admiring how she always had a fascination with the different buildings and people, and how each one has a life just as complex as ours. the sun is also on her face, giving her this angelic glow. i think that she can almost look like an actual angel, watching over strangers.

vada starts humming a familar tune, as she taps her phone once, reading the time. she looks as though she's in her own world, just waiting for me to enter it again.

vada's soft humming makes its way to my ears, and i smile wider when start to i recognize the melody. here comes the sun.

it's seconds before the clock turns 6:22am, and as i stand here, looking at vada with a feeling of contentment only she can make me feel, i know. i believe in her.

vada's alarm goes off at exactly 6:22am, and she turns it off with a shaky finger. she takes a few deep breaths in before looking behind her, to see if i decided to give her a second chance or not.

she looks, and instantly, as though something in her snapped, she springs up from her sitting position and runs towards me, her mouth agape, her arms open wide and her eyes brimming with tears.

our bodies finally touch, our arms wrap around one another, my cheek automatically rests on top of vada's head, just as vada's cheek rests on my chest, right above my heartbeat. we're back where we fit perfectly.

"i believe you." i says softly, hugging vada tighter than i've ever held anything or anyone.

"thank you," she answers, hugging me the same way, "you're not going to regret it."

i believe in vada. i believe in us.

yes, i believe in us in a way that makes me want to wish on every fallen eyelash, to make a wish to ensure that it's us until the end.

yes, i believe in us so much that i'm willing to be extra careful everyday, to make sure i won't come across any black cats or break any mirrors that may give us bad luck.

yes, i believe in us and i'm willing to dye every yellow flower i sees into a different color, so there will no longer be any possibility of us breaking up because of it.

we continue hugging, with me stroking vada's hair with one hand as she closes her eyes. she clenches on my hoodie, almost like she's afraid that this may all be a part of her imagination and i can vanish at any second.

"i'm not going anywhere." i whisper, knowing exactly what goes on inside her head.

"me neither." she answers, and it's only then that i notice how hard i'm also clutching on her jacket.

yes, i believe in us. because now, i've learnt to accept that with love, there may always be a possibility of loss. i always struggled with that, and it was obvious. i always had a hard time accepting that love and loss come hand in hand. i always pushed people away before i could learn to love them, so i will never have to experience loss again.

but now, i accepted the love that can come and make you a mug of hot chocolate. and i also, finally, accepted the loss that walked out the door and never came back.

i believe in us. because i know that if the day comes that vada breaks my heart, or i break hers, if that could even be a possibility, all the pain will be worth it.

because with love comes loss. and loss is the only proof that one has learned how to love.

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