break the heartbreaker : luke

distance

12 DAYS BEFORE PROM

VADA'S POV

it's been two days since the night at the bonfire, when luke admitted his feelings for me.

it was such bad timing. it was literally minutes before he told me, that i told maurine that i was still in the mission.

i knew i wanted out. i wanted to back out so bad. but the way maurine reacted, the way her eyes widened like she was crazy, the way she was spitting all her words at me, and the way she was questioning our friendship made me feel so small. as though i had no right to back out from this.

there was something else in maurine's eyes that night. it didn't look like determination anymore. it looked like she was crazy.

i feel so lost. i feel so stuck in between two choices, two choices wherein i'm sure i'll lose one of them.

if i back out for good, i'm going to lose maurine. my best friend. i'm going to lose one of the people who i made so many good memories with. i have so many happy and good memories i associate with maurine, that when she's gone, all those things will immediately make me sad.

maurine was always there for me. whenever i'd have anxiety or panic attacks, she'd come swooping in right away. whenever i needed a shoulder to cry on, she'd be there the second i need her. whenever i need someone to listen to me, she'll make sure to give me her full attention.

she's the actual definition of what a best friend should be. minus the craziness she's doing now, of course.

i know friends are supposed to do things for each other, out of love and loyalty. but at to what extent? i don't want to do this anymore. but maurine keeps guilt-tripping me, and all of a sudden, i found myself saying the words "i'm still in this." as though i was programmed to do so.

if i keep this going, i'm going to lose luke. luke and i haven't known each other for a long time, but it seems like we've known each other for years. i feel like i can tell him anything and everything, and i'm sure he feels the same way.

if i keep this up, i'm going to hurt him. i'm going to destroy him. and, to be honest, i feel like i'm going to destroy myself, too.

just thinking about luke getting sad, or luke crying because of me makes me crumble. it makes my heart ache.

he showed me the real luke hemmings. he showed me all his weak spots. and if he finds out that it was all for a stupid mission, he'll never do it again to anyone.

if i hurt him, the luke i was with that night at the bonfire will be gone, and no one will ever know when he'll come back. if he ever will, that is.

that night felt like an absolute fairytale. luke was saying all the right words, even though he had trouble getting them out. he said his words with so much sincerity, looking so serious as he let every word go.

as he talked, i noticed that his eyes would twinkle. the usual cocky smirk he always has on his lips were gone. he actually looked like he was saying his words wholeheartedly, even stuttering at times because of how nervous he was.

and i wanted to tell him to stop talking.

i wanted to tell him not to push through with what he wanted to tell me. i wanted to tell him to save his words for someone who actually deserves them. i wanted to tell him to stop liking me, because if he continues, he might end up with the heartbreak he's been avoiding for so long.