Brain on Paper

E

The lightly vibrating window sent a decent humming through my head as I leaned to the side. More or less familiar cities and fields flew by as the train made its way through the land. A couple of minutes that I could easily spend with listening to some music. It was calming to act like it was no big deal when I've actually been waiting for this second for infinity. The next hour to be exact. The things that I promised, more to myself than to her, were about to come true in a couple of kilometers. It's never been more than that. Just a look out of the window, a few hours by car or, to me, a fake scenario away. Nothing is more simple than promising things because even if you're unsure if these will come true, you've satisfied the other one for just one moment. It's not more than a sentence you say to make someone smile. Because you promised. This time was quite different. A lot, to let go of the lies. I had promised to myself and I'll do anything to make it come true. In this dream at least. Including two hours on an expensive ICE, heading towards her town. I always knew that this was going to happen, I imagine it a million times and I even told her about it. But I don't think she ever understood properly. Although she understood a lot. All the weird things in my mind and the deep late-night theories. She completed those surreal ideas with the most fitting answers. Better than I ever could. Not half of my thoughts would find a meaning without her help. And that must be exactly how she kept me alive and endlessly longing for this day. Today's day. Just for a sneak peek of the dream, I closed my eyes on the even movement of the seat underneath me. It must've been uncomfortable but nothing would ever wake me up from that fantasy world. I saw her face, although I never really saw it. I felt her warmth in the hug, although I never really hugged her. I found the love in her eyes, although I never really drowned in them. All this would happen to me. And once again, I felt like everything she meant to me was lightheaded and stupid because she was a stranger. Mother would ask if she was an old shabby man or if she just wanted to rob me. You can never know. Right. You can never know. And I didn't. I didn't know her. Just the feeling of connection that sent shivers through this soft bond which magically made me feel everything, she felt. I heard what she said and I loved listening to her voice. Not that I had ever heard it at all. It was just imaginary. She was out there, a real human being who wanted to be my friend. I was in here, dreaming about a better world where she was already with me. Life isn't hard, I just want it to be easier. She was my favorite daydream. I don't need to wake up, ever again.