✧𝔻𝔼𝕍𝕆𝕋𝕀𝕆ℕ~ 𝒶𝓃𝒾𝓂𝑒 𝑜𝓃𝑒𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓉 𝒸𝑜𝓁𝓁𝑒𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃~✧

✧Lan Zhan- Without Your Love ✧

A/N- Mentions of a suicide attempt (not successful) are written ahead. Don't read this if it will trigger you in any way. I don't want any of you hurt.

IT HAD BEEN YEARS.

Countless years since Wei Wuxian's untimely demise at the bloodbath of Nightless City.

Countless years where Lan Wangji, plagued by dreams of the man he loved holding him in his arms, woke up cold and alone in the dead of night.

Countless years of cheering and commemoration, by some, of the so-called "legendary psycho Yunmeng Patriarch." Demeaning commemorations, but commemorations nonetheless.

Lan Wangji had enough. He couldn't bear living this way.

So, on a bright sunny spring day, he wrote a long note thanking his family for everything they had done, even his useless and infuriating uncle Quiren. He left the note on his bed, pinned to the sheet, then went to a high peak above the river to end his life.

It perversely pleased him to fall into the river, to have his broken body caressed by the unforgiving rapids, and to be oddly comforted by the sight of his red blood mixing with the clear water and the cold touch of the liquid on his skin.

When he lost consciousness, it was to the violent rocking of the rapids throwing him this way and that. To his damaged mind, he found this a peaceful way to die.

Unfortunately, he would not die that day.

As if Wuxian's spirit was watching over Wangji, Lan Xichen happened to be walking near the river at that time.

And what he saw terrified him.

"Oh gods! Lan Zhan! My baby!"

He rushed into the water, picking up his brother's cold body and bringing it onto the land. With tears in his eyes and his heart beating fast, he began trying to resuscitate his younger brother, praying to whatever god would listen that his Lan Zhan, his baby, would survive.

At first there wasn't any breathing or heart beat, and Xichen was paralyzed by terror and despair. Could it be that his brother had died? At such a young age? No, it wasn't possible! He wouldn't accept it! He kept on doing chest compressions and breathing for him- 30 compressions, two breaths, 30 compressions- over and over again.

"Didi, please! Please live for me!" he wailed, his throat so choked by tears he could barely give his brother the life-saving breaths he needed.

Just as he was about to give up on his brother, Xichen heard Lan Zhan breathe shakily. He turned to look, and saw that his brother's beautiful eyes were open, and he was choking water up onto the rocks below him. Xichen gave him a hearty slap on the back to force more water out, and sat by his side, making sure he didn't hurt himself by coughing up so much water.

When Lan Zhan stopped choking up the water, his body lay perfectly still on the rock. He turned his head away from his brother, not looking into Xichen's eyes like he usually did. This broke the older brother's heart, so he reached out to caress his younger brother, hoping that would stimulate some sort of response.

When he felt his brother's body, he noticed that  the poor young man was trembling. He must be very cold and scared. Trying his best not to lose control of his emotions, trying his best to be the composed, handsome man that everyone thought he was, he helped his brother up to his feet and together they walked to Xichen's room.

Xichen laid Lan Zhan out on his bed, and when he went to untie his brother's sash and undress him to put him back in warm clothes, the younger man didn't resist, just stared at the wall soullessly.

"Didi, my heart aches," Xichen whispered when he had finished dressing his brother and was lying in bed next to him with his arms around him, protecting him the way a good older brother should.

Lan Zhan was silent. Uneasily silent.

"Didi, I'm hurt. Someone hurt me."

"I also am hurt."

Lan Zhan's first spoken words to his brother after his suicide attempt were sad to hear. He sounded hurt. A Lan never had their emotions shown on their face or in their voices. They were trained to be as unshakable and unreadable as a smooth jade. But now it was evident Lan Wangji, the famous emotionless Second Jade of Gusu, was suffering. It was evident in his broken voice, fractured like an imperfect stone, his tear-filled eyes like two overflowing pools of darkness. He was in terrible pain, pain prompted by an injury that could not be healed.

And damn, did it hurt Xichen's loving heart.

"Who hurt you, didi? Tell me who. I can hunt them down and destroy them. Was it that evil Jin Guangyao? He had me fooled too."

Even as he asked that question, he knew the answer to why his brother was suffering. It was everyone's fault, even his. When Wei Wuxian fell off the mountain at Nightless City, when he died, half of Lan Zhan's heart stopped functioning.

Wuxian was everything to Wangji. His heartbeat, his song, his bunny, his treasure. He was the rebellious night to Wangji's stoic day. He was everything the otherwise antisocial Lan man needed. When he died, it was like the moon had fallen from the sky. The sun would likely follow after, and it had tried to. But it had been- in its eyes unfortunately- saved.

"Gege..." Lan Zhan said in that broken voice of his, clutching the folds of his brother's hanfu for dear life. "It hurts so much."

Xichen was about ready to burst into tears again. He was holding onto his tears by a thread, but that thread was about to be cut. Not just cut, but destroyed. Like a body lacerated by língchí, that thread would be eviscerated.

So he spoke to stifle his oncoming tears.

"Wangji, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. But why would you try to take your own life? Suicide just makes everyone around you sad like you. You made me nearly paralyzed with sadness. When I saw your body lying there covered with blood in the water, I thought-"

He couldn't finish his statement due to his bursting into tears. Mentioning his brother's body in the water brought the image of it back in his head, and he couldn't see that. Didn't want to see that.

Upon seeing his brother cry and hearing his words, Lan Zhan realized how much he had hurt himself and those who loved him. Realizing that made him burst into sobs, deep ones that made his body shake.

"Gege, I'm sorry! Sorry! So sorry!" he wailed, throwing his arms around Xichen as he sobbed. He needed to hold onto his brother, to know he was there to hold him.

Xichen could barely breathe. He held onto Lan Zhan tightly, running his tremulous fingers over his back, trying to calm his brother when he needed calming himself.

"I love you so much," he sobbed, holding his brother close. "My didi, my heart, my life."

The two Lan brothers held each other for ten more minutes, relishing in the warmth and love one brother brought the other. They even slept next to each other that night. And they could both confidently say that, after that chaotic day, they would never let each other out of the other's eye ever again.