A Court of Souls and Shadows

20. Raven

I was so fucked. Even if I hadn't known Azriel was my mate, nothing in this world could have stopped me from falling in love with him at an alarming speed. The fact that he was my mate and I couldn't have him just made everything worse. And then I'd lied through my teeth and 'made up' with him, so I had no choice but to paste a smile on my face and act like everything was fine and normal between us again. It was a special kind of torture. I was so, so fucked.

"You are such a fucking idiot," I grumbled to myself as I pulled on my fighting leathers. It was barely dawn, and I was headed to the rooftop for training. Azriel had insisted on instructing me again now that he was healed, but I had convinced Cassian to stay on as well. Feyre and Nesta would be joining us. I had no idea how Feyre had talked her sister into joining in on training, but I suspected the Velaris attack may have had something to do with it. It had rattled everyone, it seemed.

I made my way to the rooftop, running into Cassian on the way. We walked side by side up the hallway towards the stairs in silence.

"Someone put on their grumpy pants this morning," he said, bumping me in the side with his hip.

"Fuck off, Cassian," I snapped, quickening my pace.

"Hey!" He called out, jogging to catch up with me. "I was only joking, sis," he grumbled. "You're not yourself."

"Just tired," I lied. I didn't want to train with Azriel. I had no idea how I was going to pretend things were fine when they weren't. How I was supposed to pretend I wasn't the idiot in love with someone who could never know, mate or no. Fuck. I huffed out one last breath of frustration as I shoved open the door at the top of the stairs and stalked out onto the rooftop. Azriel was already there, flipping a sword between his hands and talking casually with Feyre and Nesta.

"Nice of you to finally join us," he called over to Cassian and I, an easy smile on that annoyingly perfect face. I scowled at him before flipping him off. He laughed as we walked over to join him and the others.

As the morning progressed, I found myself loosening up. I'd been paired up with Nesta, and she was clumsy on her feet, but a natural with a blade. Her soul was a swirling gray as usual, but there was something about her that I liked. I saw some of myself in her, and she seemed to not hate me as much as she hated everyone else, which was a start. I made a mental note to make more of an effort with her.

After an hour in our pairs (Nesta and I, Cassian and Feyre, and Azriel supervising), the Shadowsinger told us to have a break. As we all guzzled down water, I saw him talking quietly to Cassian out of the corner of my eye. I wondered what they were talking about. Azriel's eyebrows were bunched together in a frown, and Cassian was uncharacteristically serious as well. They finished their hushed conversation and joined the rest of us, Azriel announcing after a few moments that we were mixing up the pairs for the last half of training, pairing himself with me. Great.

I rolled my eyes as I followed him back into the ring and reminded myself for the millionth time to be normal, dammit. We fell into an easy rhythm, our blades clashing as we sparred. I was almost dead even with the Illyrian, but he caught the upper hand eventually, taking advantage of an opening I'd stupidly left, knocking my blade from my hand and forcing me to his chest. My back was flush against his hard body as he held his sword at my throat, his breath brushing over my ear. I felt something long and hard digging into my lower back and smirked.

"Happy to see me?" I said sarcastically. Azriel leaned his head closer to my ear and whispered, "that's my dagger, baby." I shuddered at the nickname and lurched away from him, a flush creeping up my neck and face. He laughed loudly at my flustered state, bending to pick up my discarded sword and offer it back to me. I scowled as I took it from him, refusing to meet his gaze.