A Court of Souls and Shadows

33. Azriel

Elain was talking, but I wasn't listening. She'd cornered me on the other side of the room, chattering away, but my focus remained solely on Raven. I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was sitting with Lucien, talking quietly, and I wished more than anything that it was me sitting with her instead. I wished I didn't have to hide our relationship because of Elain's instability. The last week away from her had been absolute torture. I was losing my damn mind. My heart ached from the absence of her. I had tried to get away, for just a moment, so many damn times. Every time I tried, Elain would relapse into the beginnings of another episode, and I would have to stay and talk her down. I couldn't get away, no matter how hard I tried, so I had resorted to writing letters. Letters. I knew Raven deserved so much more, and I felt like absolute shit. I hadn't been able to see or speak to her in six days. The brief moment I'd been able to steal with her at Rita's had barely been enough. Every part of me ached for her, and I didn't know how much longer I could keep this up. I knew that I owed it to Rhysand and Feyre to help Elain, to keep her safe... but it was killing me.

"Are you even listening to me?" Elain's voice cut into my thoughts and I grimaced, looking back at her, frantically searching her eyes for the black that edged into them when she was on the verge of an episode. "I'm sorry," I muttered, "I'm just tired." It was a poor excuse, but she bought it, barrelling on about her garden at a million miles a minute. I inhaled sharply as I tried to focus, sipping on the drink I clutched tightly in my hand. Cassian stumbled over, shouting something about starting a game of some sort, when he tripped on the edge of the rug and sent his drink flying, drenching me from head to toe. I swore under my breath as I lurched forward to grab his shoulders, steadying him. He mumbled apologies as Nesta dragged him back to the fire, pulling him down onto the couch with her. I sighed in annoyance as I put my glass down on the window ledge.

"Excuse me," I said to Elain, "I'm going to clean up."

"I'll come with you," she chirped, immediately grabbing onto my arm as I headed for the kitchen. I bit down on my bottom lip to hide my annoyance as she continued her chattering. Once we were in the kitchen, I busied myself searching the drawers for a dish cloth. I found one and started dabbing at my shirt, attempting to mop up Cassian's drink. Elain crossed the room to me, reaching for the dish cloth to help. I took a step back, leaning against the counter behind me. "I got it," I muttered, clutching the cloth tighter. Elain frowned, crossing her arms over her chest.

"What is wrong with you?" She suddenly bit out, her voice a harsh whisper. We wouldn't be overheard on this side of the house, but she didn't know that. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "What are you talking about?" I replied in the same hushed tone she had used. Her frown deepened as her eyes narrowed.

"You have been acting strange all week," she said, her eyes flaying me open where I stood. I swallowed nervously, my throat bobbing. I avoided her stare as I said, "No I haven't."

"Don't lie," she said sharply, "I hate liars."

I looked up at her, schooling my features to remain neutral. "What's wrong, Elain?" I asked in a feeble attempt to change the subject. She shifted her weight on her feet, her arms still crossed firmly across her chest. "I saw you, you know," she whispered, her voice cracking with emotion. "Tonight. With Raven."

Fuck. My heart stuttered at the realisation of what she must have seen. I fumbled with the dish cloth, frantically searching my mind for something I could say to get out of this. "You're with her, aren't you?" Elain barrelled on, not deterred by my shocked silence. I was so tired of this. Of everything. And I couldn't lie any longer. I forced myself to look into Elain's eyes. "Yes," I said, my voice clear and even. "I love her, Elain."