A Court of Souls and Shadows

21. Raven/Azriel

RAVEN

I awoke to a warm, tattooed arm around my middle. A scarred hand was splayed protectively over my stomach. I sucked in a deep breath when I remembered where I was. In Azriel's tent. Cuddling. I screamed internally and tried not to wake him as I picked up his arm to move it gently. I had barely shimmied out of his grip when he grabbed me by the hips and tugged me back.

"Where do you think you're going?" He said sleepily, pressing his face into the crook of my neck and taking a deep inhale of my hair. I must have smelt terrible. I hadn't even taken off my leathers after the battle the previous day, and then my drinking session with Cassian that night.

"So much for not trying anything with me," I muttered sarcastically. I felt Azriel smile against my neck.

"Cuddling is completely innocent," he said. "Friends cuddle."

"Mm-hmm," I hummed back, biting down on my lip to stop from smiling. I let my hand trail up and down the arm he had firmly back around my middle, allowing my thoughts to wander. I wished it could always be like this between us. I wished that he didn't love Elain, that he knew I was his mate, that I wasn't a bastard-born nothing, that there wasn't a war that would probably kill the both of us anyway.

I sighed as I continued to stroke his arm, my thoughts churning like a tornado inside my head. "What are you thinking about?" Azriel asked softly. I closed my eyes and sighed again.

"That I wish things were different," I said honestly.

"What things?"

"Everything, I guess." I sighed again. How could I ever explain? There were so many things I wanted to tell him that I just couldn't.

"Are you okay? After the battle yesterday?"

"Yes, I'm fine. It's not that."

"What is it, then?" Azriel propped his head up with his free hand and looked down at me. I twisted my head to meet his gaze.

"Is it silly to say I've been feeling lonely, even though I'm surrounded by people?"

Azriel frowned. "Not silly at all. But I'm sorry you've been feeling that way. Have you been thinking about your mother?"

I nodded. "Yeah. The closer we get to the High Lord's meeting, the more I think of her. I'm nervous about seeing Kallias again, even though he probably won't even recognise me."

Azriel was quiet for a moment, hesitant. "Did you see him much, before... everything happened?"

I nodded, feeling fresh tears prick the backs of my eyes. "He was only a boy when I was captured by our father. He was constantly getting into trouble, sneaking around the palace. I don't know how he figured out that I was his sister, but he used to sneak into the dungeons and leave things for me. Sometimes food, sometimes small toys and trinkets. He was the only thing that kept me going when I was down there. I never got to speak to him, not really. Except to tell him to stop coming. I didn't want him to get in trouble."

It felt weird to tell someone about Kallias. He was the only family I had left, and he probably didn't even remember our very brief shared history. I was anxious to see him again, even if he didn't remember me. I just hoped he didn't want to kill me, like most High Lords did.

"It will be good for you to see him again," Azriel said with a small smile. I smiled back. "Maybe," I said quietly. "I'm trying not to get my hopes up."

Azriel brushed a piece of loose hair behind my ear. "I'll be with you the whole time, whatever happens." I swallowed thickly.

"Thank you, Azriel. That means a lot to me." We stared at each other for what felt like a long time before he cleared his throat and looked away.