A Court of Souls and Shadows

34. Raven

"You're walking!" Kallias called out, clapping, a huge grin on his face. I looked up and saw him coming down the hallway towards me, and I smiled back at him. Finn held my waist, helping me along, and it was slow going, but I was doing it. The break to my leg had been so severe it had taken longer than usual to heal, and I'd been stuck in a wheelchair for two days. 

Kallias approached, and Finn let go so I could walk the few remaining steps to my brother. He  wrapped his arms around me and I smiled into his chest, soaking up his warmth. How was the High Lord of the Winter Court always so damn warm? He pulled back and held me at arms length, his eyes assessing me from head to toe.

"How are your hands?" He asked, his eyes flicking down to where my oversized sweater covered them. I shrugged and pushed my sleeves up, holding out my hands. He took my hands gently in his and smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "Incredible," he said, turning my hands over, "not a single scar!" I grinned back at him and nodded, flexing my fingers. "Your Healers have been amazing," I gushed. "Thank you." He rolled his eyes and waved his hand casually. "Don't mention it," he chided me, looping his arm through mine to help me continue down the hall.

"And how are you?" Kallias asked conversationally as we continued down the hall towards the dining room. I looked up at him and raised my eyebrows. "I'm sure I don't know what you're on about," I said sarcastically, looking away. Kallias nudged my shoulder gently. "Raven..." he said softly, his tone laced with warning. I swallowed nervously. "I'm sad, Kal. I'm really, really sad. I don't know what else to tell you," I admitted, focusing on my feet as we walked. He grunted under his breath.

"It was the Shadowsinger, wasn't it?" He asked, his voice sharp. I hadn't told anyone here what had really happened. I couldn't bare to even speak the name. I inhaled sharply and avoided Kal's searching eyes. "So it was, then," he said, mostly to himself. I said nothing, but the backs of my eyes started to sting with the building tears. I nodded weakly.

"You love him," Kallias said softly. It wasn't a question. I nodded once more. "And he broke your heart," he continued, pausing in the hall. I turned to look at him, my eyes glassy. "He did," I said, my voice hoarse.

"I'll kill him," Kallias growled, his eyes burning with the promise of violence. "Please don't," I begged him. "I'll be okay. I just need time." Kallias shook his head, a scowl marring his features. He was silent for a few tense moments.

"You should tell them you're here. Let them know you're safe," he said at last, as we reached the doors to the dining room. "I'll have Finneas bring some parchment and quills to your room." I nodded, making my way to the table for lunch, sitting beside Vivienne. She launched into an animated conversation about how good my hands were looking, and how well I was doing with my walking. I smiled and followed along, offering polite replies as we ate, but my chest ached at the thought of writing to anyone at the Night Court.

Azriel had broken my heart, but I had left all of my friends without so much as a goodbye. Guilt overwhelmed me, and I excused myself from the table as soon as I finished eating. Finn approached with my wheelchair for the journey back to my room, and I gave him an appreciative smile.

"Are you okay, Miss Raven?" Finn asked as he pushed me back to my room. I shook my head, folding my hands in my lap. "Not really," I admitted. "I just up and left my whole life and didn't say goodbye to anyone. I hadn't even thought about it until now," I admitted, guilt weighing heavily in my stomach.

"I'm sure your friends will understand," Finn said softly, wheeling me into my room and leaving me at my desk. "I'll be back in a moment with your supplies," he said, before rushing out the door. He returned a few moments later with the parchment and quills. He placed them in front of me, lingering for a moment, his turquoise eyes searching mine. "I'll give you some privacy," he said softly, "I'll be right outside if you need anything." I placed my hand over his, my eyes locking with his. "Thank you, Finn," I said. "For everything." He bowed his head. "Of course, Miss Raven," he replied before leaving the room, the door closing behind him with a soft click.

I stared at the blank parchment in front of me. I had no idea what to say, or who to write to. I sighed and thought about my last moments in the Night Court, my mind drifting to Cassian. He was like a brother to me, and I had just left him, covered in my blood. I sighed again, pulling the blank piece of parchment closer and beginning.

Cass,
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you like that, without explaining. I'm safe. I'm in the Winter Court with Kal. I meant it when I told you not to come after me. I just need some time. I love you.
- Raven.

I sat back in my chair and stared at the letter, a few stray tears trickling down my cheeks. There was nothing I could say to fix things. I didn't even know where to start. My heart was in pieces, and my whole body still ached so much from Azriel's betrayal that I could barely make it through the days. It had only been two days since I had left the Night Court, but it felt like a lifetime.

Azriel hadn't come after me. Of course he hadn't. He had Elain now. Fresh pain lanced through me at the thought, as sharp and visceral as ever, and I choked back a sob, grabbing the parchment in my hand and folding it. I pushed back from the desk and stood, crossing the room slowly to open my door. "Finn, make sure this gets delivered to General Cassian in the Night Court," I said, handing him the letter. He took it and nodded, before striding away. I sighed and stepped back in my room, closing the door behind me. I slumped against my closed door, sinking down to the floor. I brought my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs as I let myself cry for Azriel. For everything I'd lost.

I didn't know what to do. I knew Kal was happy to have me home, but it didn't feel like home to me. Not really. I was bound by my bargain with Rhysand to help with the war, which meant I would inevitably see Azriel again. I shuddered at the thought. I could not hide in my heartbreak forever, and I would not allow Azriel to see me broken. I would rise from the ashes, as I always had.