A Court of Souls and Shadows

31. Raven

It had been six days since I had last seen Azriel. He had been sending letters in his absence. Letters. I wanted to die. I couldn't bring myself to read any of them. My imagination was cruel enough to me on its own. I felt his pain through the bond, his guilt and longing. But every so often, I felt his happiness too, and that was what hurt me the most. I didn't want to know what his letters said. I didn't want to read of his guilt or regret. If he wanted to talk to me, he could have flown up at any time. But he hadn't. I tried not to read into it too much. Everything was going to shit. I'd grappled with the unlinking spell for the last six days, and hadn't gotten any closer. Rhysand had turned the project over to Amren, who had more experience with complex spells. All in all, I was a failure. I couldn't do the spell. And I couldn't be with the man I loved.

I was a miserable git, and it was affecting everyone around me. Cassian had noticed it most of all, but I had shut him down every time he had tried to talk to me. He gave me updates I didn't ask for on how Elain was doing, but I tuned him out most of the time. I'd holed myself up in my room and I didn't intend on leaving. But it was Nesta's birthday, and Cassian was forcing the issue. We were all going out to Rita's to celebrate, and my attendance was non-negotiable, according to Cassian. My heart ached to see Azriel, who I knew would be there, but I found myself dreading it, too. It had only been six days, but it felt like my entire world had changed already.

I stared in my mirror as I raked a brush through my hair. I'd thrown on a simple black dress and applied minimal makeup, but was giving up on my hair. I threw the brush down on my dressing table in frustration and turned away from the mirror with a scowl. Mor was standing in my doorway with a confused look on her face.

"Damn, girl," she said in a sing-song voice, "who pissed you off?"

I held up a hand. "Don't even start," I said with a grumble, reaching for my dagger to strap to my thigh. My eyes fell on the Illyrian blade Azriel had gifted me, and I quickly looked away, blinking back tears, and busying myself with the dagger.

"I got you something," Mor announced, sauntering into the room. She was wearing her signature colour, the red gown accentuating her curves; the plunging neckline leaving little to the imagination. I raised my eyebrows in question as she extended her palms toward me, revealing a tiny bow tie.

"What is that?" I asked, plucking it from her hands.

"It's for Fang, obviously," Mor replied, rolling her eyes. She took the bow tie back from me and crossed the room to the bed where the small bat slept. She roused him from his nap to secure the bow tie around his neck. He preened under her touch and a giggle burbled from my lips at the sight.

"You're bringing him to dinner?" I asked. Mor fussed over Fang, lifting him into her hands and placing a kiss on his scruffy head. She'd grown quite attached to my little friend in the months we had been in the Night Court. "Obviously," she replied easily, "Fang is my date."

I laughed as Fang licked at Mor's hand, thrilled with his new companion. Mor tucked the little bat into her hair atop her shoulder. "Come on," she said, "let's do this."

"I don't want to do this," I admitted, following her from the room. "Why not?" She frowned. "I thought you'd be excited to finally see Lover Boy?"

I grimaced. "I haven't spoken to him." Mor stopped walking to turn and stare at me. "The entire time he's been gone?" She asked, her eyes wide. I nodded my confirmation.

"Oh, Raven," she said, "what's happened?"

"I don't know, that's the worst part," I replied.

Mor sighed. "I'm sure everything will be fine when you see him," she said, "like nothing happened." I let out a shaky breath as I took her hand. "I hope so," I said quietly. Mor threw me a sympathetic look before winnowing us to the pavement just outside Rita's. Everyone else had already arrived, filling a large table in the front of the restaurant. Mor was always fashionably late. I watched them through the glass, drinking and laughing. I had never felt like more of an outsider in my entire life. I was struck suddenly by the feeling of wrongness - like I shouldn't be there. Like I didn't belong. Just when I was starting to feel like I did. It was so disconcerting, I tripped over my own feet on the way in, and Mor had to grip onto my elbow to steady me.