A Court of Souls and Shadows

29. Azriel

I wanted to run after Raven right away, to pull her into my arms and tell her over and over again that I loved her, and ease all her fears. I hadn't missed the slight pinch between her eyebrows, and the pain that had flashed across her eyes so briefly. This was hurting her. But she was too damn stubborn to admit it. I didn't deserve her. And the worst part was, I had no idea what to say. I didn't want to help Elain, even if I could, and I knew that made me a bad person. But if helping Elain would result in hurting Raven, there was no choice. I had told her I would never hurt her, and I had meant it, but these days, it seemed inevitable. I cursed under my breath as I paced the length of the hallway, trying to think of what to say, what to do, to fix everything. It seemed like no matter what I did, someone always ended up getting hurt.

I should have gone after Raven right away. Instead I'd talked shit with Cassian to try and buy myself time so I wouldn't do or say the wrong thing and mess it all up. And now Raven was alone in her room, and I still didn't know what to say, and I had the feeling I'd messed it all up by not saying anything at all. I steeled my nerves and pushed through the door to her bedroom. Fang was sprawled on the bed, snoring loudly, but the rest of the room was empty. Raven wasn't there.

"Snowflake? You in here, baby?" I called out, my hand still holding the door.

"In here," she replied, her voice drifting out from the bathing room. I took in a sharp breath and followed the sound of her voice to the bathing room attached to her bedroom. She was sitting in the centre of the bathtub, her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them. She looked up at me for a brief moment when I entered the room, before resting her chin on the top of her knees and looking away.

"I've been looking for you," I said softly. She looked so small, so fragile. So sad.

"You found me," she replied, her voice flat.

"I'm sorry," I rasped, "about everything."

She met my gaze. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Az. Don't be ridiculous."

I swallowed thickly. "I've hurt you," I said. "I told you I wouldn't do that."

"You haven't," she insisted. "I'm just being stupid and jealous." She smiled weakly and I felt my heart shatter in my chest. Tears stung the backs of my eyes as I looked at my Raven, so small and beautiful and strong. So unwavering in her faith in me, her love for me. I didn't deserve her I didn't deserve her I didn't deserve her.

"Move over," I said, my mouth tugging up into a smile.

"What?" She squeaked in response. I grinned as I stepped into the bath, fully clothed, and she shrieked as I tackled her, wrapping her in my arms. "What are you doing?" She screamed, laughing as I left a trail of kisses up her neck and along her jawline. "You are entirely too good for me," I said, my voice low in the back of my throat. She rolled her eyes as she relaxed into my chest. I held her close to me, resting my chin on her shoulder and trailing my fingers up and down her arms. She sighed contentedly and I smiled. "I'm taking you on a date tomorrow," I announced. Raven pulled away slightly to turn her face to look at me. She raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Is that so?" She said. I grinned and pecked her on the lips. "Yes," I replied. "It's a crime I haven't already." She laughed as she turned in my arms and started unbuttoning my shirt. "Well how can I say no to that?"

* * * * * * * *

The next morning, I waited on the balcony for Raven to get ready. She insisted on me waiting outside, so that there would be a grand reveal for our first proper date. I smiled to myself as I paced the length of the balcony. I felt nervous, even though I had been planning this for a while. As soon as Raven had mastered her swordsmanship, I'd contacted the local blacksmith to have a custom Illyrian blade made for her. I had been an annoying prick throughout the entire design process to make sure it was perfect, and I was pretty sure the blacksmith hated me now, but it would be worth it.