Denki X BNHA males

small update- just a little rant.

Im sorry this is the update you guys are getting, i might write a chapter or two to make it up, but i really need to rant get stuff off my chest 😅.
Warning: Sexual talk? SA? Meantion of rape. Mention of abuse, and getting slapped.
Yes i felt the warning was necessary, some people could get upset, or get triggered.

This stuff is personal so please if you realize you know me from what im fixing to share, please i beg you dont send to anyone else.

Also sorry if i dont make sense, or theres loads of misspelled words. 
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Okay, so me and my friend were talking about many stuff with my Ex, (we call him SD now instead of my Ex, or by his name) (SD means Sperm donor , its our little joke we have) .

And Me and my friend came to the conclusion he was Abusive, and He basically raped me.

I dont know so much about the rape part. But it wasn't 100% consensual, no yes or no was said. Except the day before it.
The day before he had touched me sexually, and i had a panic attack in the bathroom and texted my two friends at the time, crying about it, and came out and told him i wasnt ready and that i was Asexual, his response to it was 'how would you know? Just try it.'
(Asexual: not into sexual activities. Makes me uncomfy)

The next day was when we ended up doing shit, bc he talked me into it, but no consent was given, i just shrugged, i was extremly uncomfortable, and shit and i didnt want to, but i figured it'd get him to back off, and shit.

I never liked sexual stuff much, i can do making out, and shit, but going to far triggers something from my past.

And i never claimed he raped me, but with how many people called it that when i explained it to them, its making me believe that it was.

___
Warning: mention of abuse, getting hit.

Hes always slapped me, he called it play fighting and shit.
Hed continue even after many times I've told him to stop, he wouldn't and would continue.
It wasnt hard, but it was hard enough to hurt like hell.
He also had a thing for choking me or pulling my hair.
Some people may say 'he was just being kinky'
But even so, when i told him to stop he didnt, and hed continue.
I never like my hair being pulled, it hurts i have a sensitive head. I asked him to stop he didnt.
With choking i didnt like it either, asked him to stop, especially since he did it in public.

My friend said that borderline abusive, and i definitely belive that.
You dont hit someone, and continue to do so even when they asked you to stop.

I just. Idk.
Like i never really realized it, or seen that shit much until a while ago.

And having people call it rape, and abuse when i explain it.
Makes it 10× more believable.

Its all just stressing me out, and pissing me off bc i really thought it was love, and i seriously just sat there and let myself get treated that way. I let myself get disrespected, and spat on as if i was nothing.

It pisses me off.
And its making me ask questions I cant even Barely answer.
Why'd i let that happen?
Why didnt i notice it sooner?
Why was i so blind?
Why'd i push so many people away, when they were trying to help me out?
Why was i so fucking naive and stupid?

Just so many 'why's
And i dont know how to answer it.

This shit Is so fucking confusing.

It makes me sad, to know i let that all happen. And lost so many friends because i let that happen.

Idk...im just lost.

And just bc of all of this doesnt mean, i wont be able to take care of my baby.

Ik ill be able to take care of my kid, I wont let her down, and love her to the best of my ability.

I have my family(including friends) with me to help, although they arent always the best, they're still there, and will always be there, unlike some.

Ill take care of her, I cant get a job now (need a drivers license, and waiting until after pregnancy to get a job) but i will still take care of her, with my moms help ill be good until i get a job.

And even now me and my mom are looking a job and they (the owners of the job) are just waiting for me and my mom to say we're in to join. (Sounds sketchy but we're close to these peeps)

But idk about alot.

Alots scaring me.
LIke giving birth, SD possibly showing up and doing harm, a child... Just... Alot.

And idk how im going to get through alot of this.

Im still trying to let myself know its okay to hang out with friends, okay to wear jewelry, and clothes they give you, its okay to text your friends.
Just a lot.. That SD did, im realizing kinda traumatized me.
And that terrifies me.

I want to be able to get into another relationship.
Hell i want a relationship.
But I'm scared the same thing will happen, and ill end up doing the same thing, pushing everyone who's just trting to help, away. And losing them.

Im scared ill end up losing myself again, trying to change for someone who in the end doesnt really even want me.

Its just all, confusing, and shit. Idk.

Idek man.

I hope for those who read, understood what i was talking about, and im sorry if i overshared, and made anyone uncomfortable.

Thanks for reading, ill try and write a Shinkami? Or a Kirikamibaku? As a thanks.