REM // Van McCann

23. Drawn Towards Water

Tears pricked my eyes but I quickly blinked them away. The only good thing about sitting in the dark was that he couldn't see me very well. I thought talking about her would make me upset, and it did, but it also made me feel better. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I wanted people to know she was a lovely person. Larry was silent for a moment and then spoke.

"Even though she's not here anymore, just know that she's always with you in here." Larry gestured towards his heart. "You're an amalgamation of all the people you've met, past and present."

Larry's words brought tears to my eyes and I couldn't stop them. He came towards me with his arms out and I hugged him tight, closing my eyes. There's something comforting about holding someone close. Most are afraid to show physical affection but it's what everyone needs. We pulled apart and sat in silence until we woke up naturally on our own.

-

I opened my eyes and blinked rapidly. The harsh fluorescent lights blinded me and I sat up before taking my mask off. My cheeks were wet with tears and I quickly wiped them with the sleeve of my shirt hoping Bondy wouldn't notice. One quick glance around the room and I saw it was just me and Larry. Otis was gone so Bondy must've took him out.

I've not had many dreams that made me cry. This is the second time it's happened, my first being when I dreamt I was bullied ages ago. I sniffed and went to work, removing the probes and standing up. Larry looked on in silence, worry etched on his face, but he knew to leave me alone. I wasn't sure what I needed but I had to get out of here.

"I'm gonna get some fresh air," I told him, putting on my coat and grabbing my phone. I patted my pockets and felt my wallet and cigarettes in there. "I'll help put everything away when I come back."

"It's no problem. I can do it. Take your time."

Larry began picking up his probes, coiling them around his hand and I left him to it. There's not much to it cleanup wise. All you have to do is put away the dream kit and anesthesia and save the data before shutting down the computer. That's what I liked about the setup—how easy it was. The software does all the work interpreting the electrical signals.

Before stepping out, I went to the men's restroom and turned on the faucet, letting the water warm up before splashing my face with water. I dried my face off with paper towels and properly looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were slightly red from tears but they weren't puffy yet. I figured I looked decent enough to go out.

I took the lift down to the lobby and pushed the door open. The fresh, cool air felt good against my warm skin and I felt like I could breathe again. My first thought was to go towards water but being in the city, all we had was a small lake nearby. The park was busy with people trying to get a run in before lunch while I trudged on in search of an empty bench. I eventually found one further down than I'd like but I sat down anyway.

I'm always drawn towards water when upset. There's something calm about the water. It speaks to you.

Clara had written those words to me years ago. She's quite fond of handwritten letters. She says it's not the same as talking on the phone or sending a message online. With letters, you can read one's thoughts and feel what they're feeling. There was a lot of pain in her words. You could see it in the way her writing slanted downwards and how the T-bars sat low. There was a smudge from a drop of water. I didn't want to think about how she was crying.

I leant forward with my elbows on my thighs, putting my head in my hands, sighing. I stayed there for a moment before sitting up straight, worried that people would think I was unwell. The lake was calm with waves lapping up in regular intervals. What did she think about when she looked at the water? Did she think about how beautiful and calming it is? Or did she think about drowning herself? I could picture her standing on the edge, looking down, wondering if that was what she wanted. If I gave up my dreams to follow her, would she still be here? Coming to the lake was doing more harm than good so I made my way back to work, standing outside for a quick ciggy before heading back in.