REM // Van McCann

50. I Need Time Alone

I drank some wine to buy myself more time to think. I'm kicking myself for telling her dad so I decided to give her the safe version which is technically true as well.

"I've started looking into jobs. Most of the big companies are in the United States but there are some in Liverpool, Manchester, and London. I'm just looking at my options," I answered, putting my wine glass down. "I've started applying for a software company in Manchester."

Keyword: started. I made an account to start the process but I've since abandoned it once I found out about DecodeREM. There was something about that company that intrigued me. I'd rather work on dreams than support corporate businesses in taking over the world. Clara continued to look at me with her hazel eyes. It was like she was looking into my soul, seeing that I was lying. She's upset—I can tell. She told me about her job search and here I was, keeping mine a secret from her.

"The west coast is a tech hub. There are tons of jobs in California and Washington. Would you be willing to move?" her dad asked.

"If the right opportunity comes," I answered truthfully. In the corner of my eye, I could see Clara playing with her food. "Have you been to California or Washington before?"

"I've yet to go to Washington but we did live in California for a few years. It's a great place to live but it's very expensive."

My heart fell because I was hoping he had spent some time living in Washington. If they previously lived there, maybe Clara wouldn't be too opposed to moving there with me if all goes well with my visa.

"Since we're on the topic of moving, my manager told me we'll get our next location in a few months." Her dad said it so casually like it was nothing picking up what you have and moving to another country. He's done it for so long that he's used to it. Clara continued playing with her food, quiet.

"Any clue as to where it'll be?" Mrs. Jones asked. "In the past, they gave general locations." Her husband shook his head.

"Not yet but I think we'll know a few weeks before they announce the next location."

Her parents went back and forth asking each other questions and I suddenly understood the pain that Clara goes through every year. There's no doubt she's gotten used to living here. She has a job, her driver's license, and me. A job is easily replaceable. I don't doubt she'll have trouble finding another job based on what I've seen when I tested her. And she's learned how to drive a manual transmission and on the opposite side of the road so she has her bases covered in the next place. The only uncertainty was us.

The both of us knew what would happen eventually and if it wasn't for some coaxing from me, I don't think she'd be my girlfriend in the first place. I'm an optimist always thinking there's a way to make things work. She's more cautious and less forthcoming because she's been hurt many times before so she has learnt to adapt. If you're closed off, the pain is less. That's why she didn't want to leave the house when she initially came here and that's why she warned me not to be her friend. Now she's probably regretting everything. But surely she doesn't regret knowing me?

I looked at Clara, concerned she wasn't saying anything and her parents didn't think to ask how she felt. Clara paid me no attention so I gently placed my hand on her thigh which caused her to look up. She looked like she was on the verge of crying but no tears fell so I leant in to whisper in her ear.

"We'll figure it out, don't worry," I whispered. I kissed her cheek before pulling away.

Will we figure it out? What's my solution? Dragging her to Seattle with me? As if that's any better. The both of us have to keep an open mind. We don't know where her parents are moving and I don't know if my visa will go through. But we do have to talk about what we both want and what we're willing to sacrifice. I'm limited in where I can go because of my degree. If I decide to not pursue a job using my degree, the last three years of school would be for nothing.