REM // Van McCann

85. She'd Want the Same for Me Too

Florence was worried I'd get nightmares tonight so she asked if I'd like company. She took one look at my face and immediately saw that I misunderstood.

"No, not like that!" she said loudly, embarrassed at her poor choice in words. "I meant like talk things out. If you think it'll help." I continued staring at her which made her even more nervous.

"Okay, this sounds silly but my ex wasn't the worst, y'know," she said quickly. "Ever since that incident at the party, I didn't sleep well and he could see it so he told me to get in bed with him in a nonsexual way and he held me close. There was something calming about having him by my side. We talked about how our day went and then I fell asleep. He did that for a few nights until I was able to sleep on my own. Everyone's different so what may work for me might not work for you but I thought I'd offer."

It's amazing how adamant she is about helping me through my problems. It was completely different from what Clara and I did. Clara always thought she had to deal with things on her own which made me think I had to do the same, which in hindsight, was a terrible way to think and was probably another reason why things didn't work out. I've been closed off for so long so my immediate reaction was to say no but I thought why not try it once? I was worried the contents of her letters would haunt me tonight and I've still got one left.

"Okay," I replied but even my response sounded uncertain.

She didn't make fun of me for it. She got out of her bed and I moved aside so she could lay down right beside me. It was a little cramped as this was only a twin sized bed. We faced each other and the close proximity made Florence nervous so she tried to scoot back and she had a mini heart attack when she thought she was falling off the bed but I held onto her.

"Thank you," she breathed, trying to calm her beating heart but I could still hear it pounding as I pulled the blanket over the both of us. We continued staring at each other and I was starting to wonder if this was a good idea but then Florence spoke.

"What's our plan for tomorrow?"

"I want to go to Ponta da Piedade," I answered.

"You want to find that cliff she jumped off of, don't you?" I nodded my head.

"Yeah, and the beach she washed up on."

"I'm sorry—this isn't helping, is it?" she asked, looking at me once again.

"No, it's helping. If I ask you something, will you be completely honest with me?"

"Of course. What is it?"

"Are you having fun?"

I studied her face, looking for any signs of hesitation. It was always a worry of mine that this wasn't a holiday but a trip about Clara. I made it clear that she was free to do whatever she wants but she still wants to join me and I feel guilty for it. She should be having fun and not be strung along emotionally to a problem that's not even hers in the first place. I tucked her hair behind her ear and she shivered at my touch.

"I'm having fun. Why do you ask?" she answered, her voice low.

"I worry this trip has become all about Clara."

"It's not about what I'm doing but who I'm with. If you ever doubt yourself, just remember that." She leant forward to kiss me on the forehead.

.

.

The next day.

I woke up to the sound of Florence's breathing; her chest rose and fell with each breath she took in a steady rhythm. A strand of her blonde hair somehow ended up in my mouth and I managed to get it out without waking her. I forgot how much hair she loses.