REM // Van McCann

36. It Was Always You

"Do you promise to tell the truth? I'm being honest with you and I expect it in return," she continued, looking me right in the eye. Looking into her eyes always made me weak. My mouth was dry so I just nodded my head.

"I enjoy spending time with you but you confuse me. I can't tell if you're teasing or flirting with me sometimes," she started. "You'll leave me with your friend without telling me. I honestly thought you were upset at me. And then you'll bring me home and kiss my forehead. You have no idea how many times I thought about that night. I still do.

"Do normal friends ask about your relationship status, make marriage pacts, ask if you want to be their girlfriend, and tease you about writing love letters to them? I know you were probably joking but to be frank with you, normal friends don't do that unless there's some truth to it.

"I was surprised when you told me you didn't have a girlfriend. How can someone like you not have one? You say you're difficult to love but I think you're just misunderstood. You find it hard to express how you're feeling."

And to think Clara wasn't paying attention all this time. It's not that I didn't think she'd notice my pathetic attempts. I just thought she was being polite and ignoring them because she wasn't interested and didn't have the guts to tell me to stop. She's right. Normal friends don't do that. Only friends that are hopelessly in love but are too afraid to ruin what they have. My cheeks were getting warm and I didn't say anything. All I did was stare and wait for her to ask the question I've been dreading. And what do I do? Tell her the truth?

"So what is it?" she asked and I squirmed under her gaze. My brain wasn't working.

"Erm...if you see me as a friend, I'm teasing. If you fancy me back, it's flirting," I answered awkwardly.

My answer was ridiculous but it was how I felt. If she doesn't see me that way, take it as teasing and hope our friendship isn't ruined. But if she fancies me back.... Clara tried to hold back her laughter but couldn't.

"You just proved my point! I think this is how you flirt. It's very endearing." She leant back in her seat and sighed. "I've had feelings for you since you brought me home from Liverpool. I've never had someone I barely knew go out of their way to help me but somehow, I just knew you wouldn't mind. I wanted to know you so that's why I reached out for driving lessons and that made me fall for you even more. I even passed up an opportunity to go to Manchester with my parents to see you!"

All of it was making sense now. For someone who warned me about being their friend, she surprisingly put a lot of effort into reaching out. I thought she was working on herself, pushing herself to go out and meet new people and I was happy to help with that. My mind went back to the day I thought it was strange she missed going to Manchester with her parents and to find out that I was the reason why gave me a warm feeling. To think I have that effect on someone! Her honesty made me open up to her as well.

"The day we practiced for your interview, I asked about your relationship status because I was curious why you cancelled on me. I thought you found someone so I was curious. What I didn't expect was to be jealous of a cat! That was when I knew I had feelings for you. I was upset when I should've been happy for you. And I was jealous of how well you and Rob got on. That's why I left. I was upset at myself for not admitting my feelings," I told her.

It was satisfying telling her how I felt and I was glad she felt the same way. The only thing I'd do differently is to tell her much sooner had I known she felt the same way. My life would've been a lot easier! But then there was the question of if we'd actually start a relationship. We both knew her time here was running out and we won't be able to stand being separated from each other.

My plan was to go to America as soon as I graduate as there are more work opportunities there. I've already started looking into programs related to my field of study and looking at major cities to see what's available. My search led me to the west coast. There were several programs offered there but the one I wanted most was in Seattle but I wasn't sure I'd get in. Would she be willing to move with me?