REM // Van McCann

32. Faceless People

The thought of going under with Roman made me nervous; it was a different kind of nervous from Florence. I've been under several dreams to know what to expect from her but Roman was new and I didn't know what to expect. Despite his professionalism and him being a dad, there was a fear that I'd uncover something terrible. Maybe he's a cheater, and if he is, I wouldn't be able to tolerate his sessions.

For today's session, I planned to go over the basics like I had with Florence. There was going to be a big disconnect between the two. Florence has sessions twice a week and is a quick learner. Roman is just getting started and I was afraid I'd move too quickly expecting the same from him. I spent the afternoon planning my lessons with him and got to the third week before I heard a knock on the door. The panic seeped in and I quickly put away my notebook and made my way to the door. The entire walk there, I was straightening my shirt and trying to fix my hair.

Roman was stood at the door and he greeted me, asking how I was doing. I told him I was fine and told him where to put his stuff away and to have a seat. Roman took off his suit jacket revealing a baby blue striped dress shirt with a dark blue tie. It was apparent he was done for the day as he took off his tie and began undoing the buttons on his wrist. He noticed I was watching him.

"Much better," he replied. "Being in a suit all day is tiring."

The man has impeccable style. I didn't want to think about how much he spends on suits and how many he owns. They're of high quality as well and he just exudes power and confidence—everything I'm not. If I tried to look like him, I'd make a fool of myself. I gulped and began looking for my agenda for the day. After some shuffling, I found it and brought it to the front.

"I'm gonna go over some concepts with you before we go under. I don't wanna throw you in without preparation. That wouldn't be fun, would it?" I joked, grinning. He didn't laugh so I took a shaky breath and continued. "You already know the basics of how this works so I won't cover that again but I want to go over two new concepts with you. Dreams can feel real so it's important to know how to find signs you're dreaming and you have to learn how to wake up."

I spent half an hour going over both concepts, using examples to illustrate my point. He caught on quickly and asked good questions, but as soon as I told him how to wake up, he became hesitant.

"Has anyone ever killed themself thinking they were dreaming?" he asked.

"Not yet and I hope it stays that way," I murmured. My answer only made Roman more nervous so I went on to try to reassure him. "We're not allowed to wake up if there's any doubt. That's the number one rule."

I tried to imagine myself in Roman's shoes, experiencing this for the first time. I'd be worried and asking the same questions he's asking me now. Now that I think about it, I'm surprised Florence trusted me for her first session. For Christ's sake, she jumped out a window with some coaxing from me. She surprisingly puts a lot of trust in someone she loathes. Well to be fair, I can be a pain in the arse but I'm dead serious when I need to be.

"You're not allowed to wake up without my permission," I said sternly to give him reassurance this study won't kill him. That seemed to do the trick because he agreed to go under.

I told him he could remain seated while I went to set everything up but he insisted on watching. He's just curious and watching over my shoulder but I was nervous regardless. He watched as I created a profile for him, entering his details. The program calculated how much anesthesia was needed to induce sleep and I explained to him that that was how much the machine was going to administer. The anesthesia reminded me how some people don't react well to it so I asked again for good measure if he had an allergy or any previous experience with laughing gas. He's had it before when he took his wisdom teeth out as a young adult and he had it again a few years back for a root canal. It wasn't enough to curb my worries but I went on anyway.