REM // Van McCann

86. Suicide Note

Warning: This chapter contains her suicide note. Please don't read if it makes you uncomfortable.

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We took our time walking along the boardwalk. Florence was intrigued by the fact that no one stayed on the boardwalk and wandered off towards the cliffs. She wanted to do the same so she beckoned for me to follow her and she slowly crept towards the ledge.

"There's literally nothing stopping you from dropping to your death," she stated, amused yet terrified by that fact.

But the view was worth the risk. You could see the ocean meeting the horizon in the distance. It's not often that you see that. Ocean that goes on and on and it was beautiful. The rock formations are unlike anything we've ever seen and there were pockets of sandy beaches littered throughout. And the most amazing thing was how quiet it was in the dead of winter. Florence just stood there with her arms crossed, looking at the water.

"It just goes on and on," Florence said in awe, pointing in the distance. I followed her finger and saw several cliffs in the distance just like ours. It went on for miles and I wondered if we'd ever find the one Clara jumped off of. I took out my phone and looked at the screenshot. We still had a ways to go.

"We should get going," I told her and we made our way back to the boardwalk. I felt terrible for moving her along but if we continued at this rate, it's going to take forever and I don't have forever. We've only got a few days here and we're fighting the shorter winter days.

Some cliffs were more scenic than others and some were so narrow, I was surprised there were people attempting them for the perfect photo. There were manmade paths that crisscrossed all over the orange dirt and I was starting to get overwhelmed by the sheer size of this place. Not wanting a repeat of earlier, I took deep breaths as we got nearer to the area Roman showed me.

We were at the southern edge of the area he showed me, making our way slowly up north. The lighthouse was at the southernmost tip which makes sense because lighthouses warn boats of dangerous areas. It would be a travesty to wreck your boat along this coastline. The rocks and water are unforgiving.

The first cliff we came across in the area Roman showed me looked like it could be it. Florence climbed over the railing, placing one leg over and then she hoisted herself onto the other side. I held onto her until I was sure she was safe and then did the same. We ventured out to the edge looking down at the water seeing if we could recognize the place.

"It's close but not quite right..." Florence trailed off. "I don't see that rock down below." We were both brought back to the dream where I jumped in the water to look for Clara. I remember the large rock I climbed on top of to look for her yellow jacket. Florence walked to the other side and looked out in the distance.

"There it is! I see it!" she shouted. Her voice made me jump as I wasn't expecting her to find it so soon. I joined her and followed her finger and lo and behold—there it was. The cliff was half a mile away and we both raced towards the boardwalk once again.

This time, Florence squeezed through the opening and almost didn't make it through. It was a tight squeeze and she struggled to get down low enough to squeeze her bum through. It was like watching a helpless animal so I pushed her through and she rolled onto the boardwalk on her back, laughing.

"I'm getting too old for this!" she said in between laughs. "I can't believe you had to push me through. How embarrassing!"

I crawled through the same opening she went through but with more ease and laid on top of her. Her face was already red from embarrassment but now it was even more red from the proximity. Her eyes looked up into mine wondering what I was doing. We were out in public and this wasn't the most romantic place for something so intimate. I tucked her hair behind her ear and leant in to whisper in her ear. She shivered and tried to steady her breathing.