nevertheless~

part 11

Hardin's POV

It's been a while since we have been working, I just want to go home. I can't think straight when the woman of my soon-to-happen-date is sitting just three feet away from me and has been texting me all the while we started working. My mind is in a thousand places right now and it's giving me a headache. Our conversations have mainly been, how will we do this? Do I really like her? And every other doubt she could possibly have about this. It's just a date? Why is she so worked up about it?

It only makes me think, she doesn't want this as much as I do. Something about that being the truth sends splinters across my heart. I didn't know the intensity of my emotions would be such. I thought she was sweet, nice, very bright and intelligent, but suddenly it feels like, she's gorgeous, assertive, very clear in her head. And I like her a lot more than I say. That was partly why I told her I like her and partly why I said we should go out. Maybe, I'll see a side of her no one has seen, but it doesn't look like it, she seems very, unwilling for this date, like she has agreed out of being forced.

-Do you think we really should go? I mean, we weren't even friends and now we're talking about going on a date.

The notification of her message rings from my phone kept on the counter and is loud in the empty cafeteria where I'm filling my water bottle and that is when the annoying voice of the fucker Ichor, comes from behind.

"Are you finished?", he asks. Can he not, see?

"Almost", I answer in one single word, it's the least of my business to talk to this bastard anyway.

"You think we should grab some snacks maybe? We've been working for an hour", and he's already hungry? I didn't catch lunch at all today and this fucker probably sat with Jonathan to have lunch and is still hungry.

"You do you man", I answer.

When my bottle fills up, I step aside and screw the bottle cap again to let him fill the bottle.

"Hey, your phone", his eye roams around the screen of my device, where Tessa's notification clearly sits and his eyes widen like discs. GOOD!

"You were leaving it behind", he stutters and the flushed look of his face makes me grin with a sly smile. It's a good look on him.

"Thanks", I say, taking back my phone and I leave for my cabin. This is good. This is really good. That fucker should know that he can't have everything served to him on his silver shining plate. I had to kill my dreams to land a single job at this publishing firm, and he just gets to have it served to him like that. Some people are privileged but that doesn't mean that others be treated like shit.

"Look, I know you said let's go out but let's not. I'm not looking for a relationship or anything, we're just friends right", Tessa says and her voice has started to pierce me really now.

"It's just one date. You don't even know if you'd like to go out again or this will become a relationship. Chill, you're thinking too much", I answer back.

"You're weird", she sighs.

"Why am I weird, I'm making things simpler by telling you how I feel, you're making it weird"

"Who goes on a date with a colleague. And I mean, you don't even see me romantically, right? Why then?"

"Is that not what you want? To make this simpler for you. If we go on a date, it'll be easier for you to understand what to do with your feelings"

"I don't have any feelings towards you. That's the thing"

"You don't know it", she scoffs when I say that.

"I think, I pretty well know who I feel for and don't"

"Well, if you don't feel anything for me, then why did you kiss me?"

"I wasn't thinking clearly and it was just an impulsive act. I didn't mean it"

"You weren't saying that when my teeth pulled your bottom lip", I say and put my bottle back on my desk as she stands in front of me.

"Listen, don't complicate things for me before the trip, please. I have enough shit to deal with at home"

"For you? Do you realize how complicated things have been since you kissed me? I woke up this morning, without feeling a pinch of affection for you and by the evening, I have kissed you and I even confessed that I like you. Give me a break honestly", I lean back in my chair.

"Do you like Ichor more than me?", I ask and when she doesn't answer I get a pretty clear one. She likes that douchebag too. Fucking great. First the job I had, then the girl I thought I liked. He might as well, take my whole life at this point.

"I might, but I'm not even going to go out with him either. I don't want to go out with anyone.", she whispers, her eyes busy looking at the floor. I hate to see her this way. Head low, the confidence that would knock my socks of gone, so I continue.

"Alright, we won't go on a date.", I say back. I shouldn't push her anyway. For someone to date you, they must like you and liking is looking like something we won't do for now. Just because my brother might like her, all because she kissed me, doesn't mean we need to go out. We need to like each other for that too. And if she doesn't like me, then what's the use.

"You won't mind?"

"No"

"And that kiss?"

"What kiss?", I ask.

"Thank you", she says and this is the only time ever since she kissed me, that whatever she has said, has met her eyes. There's a certain heaviness I feel with every second that passes. It's funny, how in the evening I saw in her eyes, intense fire for kissing me, but later in the night, I see that she wants to get rid of me.

"I'm heading home. I finished my work. You can ask your little boyfriend for his. You guys might need privacy anyway", the words taste sour on my tongue.

I pack my things for the day and get out of my cabin before, either of us can say anything. I don't want to talk to her or anyone right now. Smith will be heartbroken when he hears that I had a date with her fixed and then I cancelled it.

"You're leaving sir?", Ichor passes me in the hall as I walk towards the stairs.

"Yeah, my work is done. You should work on that last part a bit, it's very bland, make it more attractive. We need to convince them not make them want to run away", I explain him. I myself don't understand this sudden shift of emotions in me for him, but the thing is, what do I even do?

It's not his fault she likes him more than me. I was after all, the loner-boy and I will be. Hence proved too. So yeah, I can be strict to him still.

"Alright. Good night", he greets me.

"You too", I turn back and walk out of the building and to my car. The drive to home is silent, my thoughts of all sorts circling my head. How in one day, so many things have changed. I understood my likings and disliking. I woke up to Tessa's breath in my ear this morning, even if through a phone call. And I will go to sleep, probably dreaming about her lips on mine, while they'd actually be on Ichor. Good for them.

Friends was probably nicer anyway. We don't see eye to eye. I'm not her type either. I was just so caught up when I told her about my parents, that I myself couldn't control when she kissed me.

Nevertheless, it's just a kiss, it was just a question, these were just butterflies, fluttering stupidly and now the fluttering has stopped. If she is so work forward, I should be too. I can't let Ichor have my job too, if I couldn't get the girl, I might as well get the job. He can't have my transfer to France, no way in hell. It's either her or my job. So now, it's my job.