nevertheless~

part 81

TESSA'S POV

“Alright, Tessie. I’m gonna go to my doctor, you guys have the house to yourself, just please make sure you’re safe. If you need anything, give your old man a call, anything. I’ll be back in a few hours.”, my father says, as he stands on the front porch with me. It’s been 10 minutes, he walks to his car and then remembers that he left something in the house and goes to get it, as an excuse to steal one last word with me. You’ll only realize that you truly love someone if they already caused you enormous pain. My father did that, not because he wanted to, but even if by coercion, he had to do it.

I have recently realized that love is a double-edged sword, it can heal the wound faster or it can sink the blade even deeper.  I give this my reason for my father’s and my relationship. I could hold it against him for doing this to me, but after knowing this, I don’t think it’s fair to me.

I was deprived of love all my life from my mother, the source where you shouldn't even have to ask for it. And now, if I don’t even give myself the luxury of getting it from my father, It wouldn’t be fair to me. I deserve the love I have given. And so, I soak up everything he is ready to give me. Seeing that there isn’t any kind of selfish reason or malice behind it, I will give myself this. I will allow myself to love my father.

“Dad. I’m 23. I have a house of my own, I think I got this”, I say, as he stands there fidgeting with his hands, and keys.

“I know honey, but you’re still my kid, I always gotta worry.”, he says, kissing my cheek and finally walking up to his car, with slow steps and I feel happy for him. It’s so nice to see him like this, being able to do things, live his life.

“𝙄 𝙖𝙡𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙜𝙤𝙩𝙩𝙖 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮”, Hardin mocks in his terrible american accent.

“Hey, that’s my father. Don’t you dare”, I elbow him in the chest as I close my door, after I make sure he’s driven off safely.

“I was just saying, it’s good to see you with him. Last night when you two were making the pasta, It was like, I was almost able to see you in your childhood.”, he says as we walk back to the kitchen.

“My childhood?”, I ask.

“Yeah. Little pigtails, crooked teeth. I’m sure you were one of those kids with crooked teeth, weren’t you?”, he jokes as he holds my wrist, my eyes going to where he touches me and pulls me to stand in the hallway. He points at a framed photograph of me and my father on a horse.

“See, pigtails.”, he says and I watch as he looks at me. I reminisce about my childhood, where I was happy and free when I saw these photos, but he looks at the old me in a very different manner. He looks at me, as he studies me, as if I am important enough to be memorized. As if this is something about me, he should know for a test.

“I think I was 4 here. It was in my fathers hometown. He had a brother, who passed away a few years after this, but he owned farmland, nothing too much and he worked at a barn for a friend there, so he let us borrow a horse from there every time I'd come, because I liked them.”, I explained.

“Did you have a name for it?”, he asks, taking in another photo of me.

“I did”, I laugh, throwing my head back and thinking how ridiculous this is about to sound, “I named it…rainbow.”

“Why rainbow?”, he asks.

“Because, every time that I would come, I used to wish that it would turn into a unicorn, but at the time, I didn’t know what they were but I believed in them, so I used to call that horse, rainbow, so maybe it’d listen and turn into one”, I barely am able to control my laugh and neither is he as he listens to it.