A long lane at night

1.12. MAMA MAGGIE

** BRIAN **

I WAS NEVER THAT MUCH INTO CHRISTMAS. NOT that I actually hated the date or anything, but for me it was just another holiday. During my childhood they would be this sad endeavour where my grandparents would do what they could to try and compensate for my parents' lack of care towards me and during my teenager years they would be this busy time when I would perform sometimes three concerts a day every day. After nanna and grandpa passed and I decided to retire, the three Christmases I spent by myself were a different kind of bliss. I didn't mind being alone in the flat and I also loved not having the rush to go from venue to venue.

The only difference last Christmas had from the previous two ones is that there was this tiny gift exchange with Allan. By then we were still barely friends, it was during the time that we would only have dinner after his classes, so I wanted to get him something that wasn't too invasive and found what I was looking for when I came across this set of kitchen wearables that he could use with his mother. Because he would perform his best at the piano whenever I offered him a distraction, I soon took upon the upcoming holidays and unleashed this anti-grinch persona in him and he played beautifully while telling me about cooking with his mom.

The first time I've seen Allan display true emotion was when he opened that present during his last class before Christmas. In return, he gave me this minute Christmas tree that was barely ten centimetres tall and yet, somehow heavily ornamented. He said it was supposed to be small because the Christmas spirit was supposed to grow. I found both the tree and his intentions extra sweet and, considering that was the very first present he has ever given me, I kept it year-round on my nightstand.

For one second, I allowed myself to reminisce the memory of the first night we spent as a couple and his cuteness overload attack when he entered my bedroom for the first time and his eyes fell straight upon the little tree. For a few more seconds after that, I allowed myself to remember the amazing things he did in bed to me after that.

But this year things were going to be, if I'm using the correct word, quite alien. During those holiday concerts I always asked the lighting people from the venues to turn on the spotlights towards the audience when the show ended because I liked to see their happiness. Yet, I never felt part of it myself. There was always this invisible wall making me only a witness, never a participant, of this whole holiday joy thing. This year, I was invited to spend Christmas with this loving family and I must say I was using a lot of my mental energy to not see myself as an intruder.

Allan could tell I was feeling rather insecure about the whole thing.

'See? That's why I told mom I'd much rather just show up here on the day and drag you.'

'Allan, no. I would be mortified getting there empty-handed. Are you sure I don't need to take anything?' I asked that for the millionth time. 'Please. I want to help.'

He sighed.

'You really don't have to bring anything, my love. But part of the Christmas spirit is the sharing, so I'm happy you're feeling it. Even if just a little. Tell you what. Bring an ornament to hang on our tree. That way you'll really be present. Any kind will do. Choose from the heart. Deal?'

'Deal.'

I arrived at his house shortly before six. He lived in this cute little house not that far from my flat. I rang the bell and was greeted by a scream from inside.

'One minute!'

Shortly after, the door opened to reveal Allan's mother, wearing the apron that was part of the set I had given Allan the Christmas before. I could see several signs of usage, so I felt nice knowing she didn't only put it on to impress me. She barely saw me and opened her arms and a smile that told me at once who Allan had got those loving traces from.