A long lane at night

1.EXTRA 2. MOTHER

** MARGARET **

Raising a son practically by yourself is no small feat. Things were not supposed to be this way, but Tony panicked when the bills started to pile up and he couldn't take the pressure. No one asked me whether I could take it, so I stayed. But the day I gave birth to Allan and held him in my arms, I knew there was nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for that boy. When his eyes met mine for the very first time, I felt love like I had never felt before. And from that moment on, Tony didn't matter anymore.

We had been legally married, after all I was brought up all right and I wasn't going to give myself to a man who hadn't taken me as his wife first. Kids nowadays have a better deal. They get to test around, see what they like before they make this type of commitment, but I'm from a different time, so I was stuck with Tony, who was just as experienced as I was, meaning that things were never really fun between us. Hadn't he left a child inside of me, I would've been glad to see him go. But I wasn't that lucky, so I had to make sure that Tony would at least help with the mandatory alimony. I said there's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Allan, and putting up with his father was one of those things.

I never wanted Allan to hate his father, though. Kids need their parents growing up and I'd be damned if it ever became my fault that he didn't have as much time with his dad as he wanted to. Problem was, he never did. Boy wanted to do with his father just as much as his father wanted to do with him.

Tony would spend every other weekend with Allan and also stay with him whenever I was needed at church. It was a sweet deal for me and I admit I wanted to keep it longer. It was tough, I won't lie, when Allan was still a little boy and constantly demanded my attention at all times. I have devoted part of my time to the Lord since I was a little girl and I didn't want that to change. Also, it feels selfish to admit, but I always had so much fun at church!

Oh, the things we got ourselves round to doing! Of course, there were the weekly services and Vicar Morrison had a gifted way with words, but some days service would end at ten and we would leave church way past sunset! We liked to be an active part of the community and we did all we could to make our neighbourhood a better place to live.

Vicar Morrison called our little group 'MOTHER', because those were the initials of our names. There was me, Margaret, then there was Olivia, Theresa, Helen, Esther, and our dear Rosetta, who was the eldest and is now already watching over our group, nagging the Lord every day so He pays attention to our needs. When Olivia, Theresa, Helen, Esther, and I drank a few glasses of wine to honour our dear Rosetta (she hated being called Rose or Rosie, always introduced herself, and made sure she was addressed, as Rosetta), we laughed at Esther, begging her not to be the next one to go, otherwise what a great transformation it would be, going from mother to moth.

Whenever there was trouble in our community, Vicar Morrison called 'MOTHER' to the rescue. We mostly dealt with some teenager who was about to lose their way in life and we were always happy to give them a hand finding the right path for them, even when such path didn't involve the church anymore. The six of us, Vicar Morrison not so much, understood well that even though church made us happy, it didn't have to make everyone feel the same.

The ladies were around the house often, especially when Allan was a little boy, and even more so during the aftermath of Tony's departure. I know I always say Allan was my biggest strength raising him, but I would have been a complete failure had it not been for my church ladies. Whenever they were near, Tony's actions stung a little less, Allan's smile shone a little brighter, and my laughter came out a little easier.

We tried to be there for Rosetta's daughter when she left us, but the girl was already married and had a family of her own. We never saw much of her and, even when Rosetta would be at church, chewing up her anger silently, we didn't dare to cross that line. Rosetta knew she could count on us, but she would be damned if she ever asked anyone else for help. It wasn't healthy, we told her, but she always waved us off with a smile.

Allan was away at college at the time. He offered to come home to accompany me to Rosetta's services, but we were short on money and the trip would cost us a deal. It was hard enough to put my retirement and Tony's money together to pay for his tuition fees, a sudden and out-of-schedule trip was completely off the table.

Everything happened almost at the same time: I finally retired from my job as a school secretary, Allan left for college, and, in the end, Rosetta left us, making our church group smaller. You see it all the time when you work with education, all this guidance for students to learn how to adapt to a new life away from their parents, all these lectures, brochures and smiling counsellors telling kids to drop by their offices any time they need. But I looked everywhere and could never find it; no one seems to care about the parent whose life suddenly stopped because their kids don't live at home anymore.

By that time, we changed a bit the focus of our time in church. We would visit lots of parents who were dealing with their own empty nests, listen to their proud stories, rejoice with them at the success of their kids, no matter how big or small. Every home we visited had a similar experience waiting for us: middle-aged folks who found themselves with twenty plus years of sheer devotion now targeted at no one.

Time passed a little more and Allan came back home with his diploma. He was so happy on graduation day. Olivia, Theresa, Helen, and Esther were all there with me, applauding as loudly as we could when his name was called. The six of us then travelled all the way back together, where Theresa had this awesome barbecue supper waiting for us to celebrate. It was very sweet of her, especially because she was going through her empty nest herself. The next morning, I had Allan's diploma framed and placed it on a highlighted spot in the living room, where apparently it would stay untouched.

Time passed and Allan couldn't get a job in his area. I'm sure his father could work something out, pull some strings, call some people, if only Allan would talk to him. But Allan had stopped talking to his father altogether a long time ago and, from the day Tony's money wasn't needed to make Allan's tuition payments anymore, not even I heard from him.

I did consider calling Tony myself, to talk some sense into him, to tell him to do something good and decent for his son at least once in his life. I almost did so many, many times, but I knew how upset that would have made Allan, and his happiness was far more important to me than to deal with his good-for-nothing of a father.

Allan did try his best, but the only job he could get was a salesman one at the airport. Of course, lots of people work in airports, there is nothing at all wrong with it. It is a dignified job that pays him and I support him for it, but I must admit I found it weird, of all malls and galleries and shops, that he wound up at the airport. The church ladies would laugh at me saying he was trying to escape, but when they saw I took that joke a little much too seriously, they dropped it. Anyway, it was an honourable job and there was nothing wrong about it. On the other hand, there was also nothing to expect from it, because he got paid so little. At least he didn't work so many hours, which gave him time to start looking for a new activity, anything at all that would light up a spark in his eyes again.

It is horrible for a mother to see all the potential her son has go to waste because he can't find his drive in life. Every time he tried something new and didn't click with it, I saw his light going a little bit dimmer. Every time he got home with a new set of books or tools, I knew he was trying hard, but it wasn't working.

To make things worse, he was shutting down inside himself. Allan needed a friend. And if I felt like I was failing as a mom, I needed a MOTHER.