A long lane at night

2.11. WHATEVER YOU WANT Part 1

** NATE **

'YOU SURE I CAN'T TAKE HER? SHE'LL LISTEN TO MY voice and fall asleep.'

'And that's the great incentive to focus that you wish to give your students?'

Jack gave me his murder stare and I laughed.

'You'll be fine! You'll be gone for only half a day and you'll bring a million home.'

'I have no idea in which world a Uni professor makes a million in half a day, but I want to buy tickets to it, please.'

I blow him a kiss across the study and receive a smile in return. Jack was supposed to be working, getting his final preparations done for the start of term the next day, but he couldn't let go of Alice.

'You're not leaving her entirely alone with strangers, you know,' uncle Brian's voice came from the study door. He had a look on his face that said he had seen that movie already.

'Dad,' it was remarkable how one syllable carried all of Jack's pleading, 'don't turn this into "why can't Jack trust his daughter with his family?".'

'Have you ever noticed, Jack,' uncle Brian sighed as he sat on the couch next to me, 'that you always had the tendency to ask us not to think of you what you're already thinking of yourself?'

'But I trust you with my life, with my daughter's life, I—'

'We all know you do and you know it, too. That's exactly the reason why you're being so hard on yourself, son, because in this circumstance you're not being able to do something you know you can. You were always afraid of disappointing us, Jack, that you never took notice that the only person who feels disappointed in you is yourself. Have I ever told you about the first time your dad and I got drunk? Mind you, it's a boring father story and it was also the last time we did that.'

Jacked shook his head.

'You two had started school and you were so ... independent. I always knew I wanted to raise my children to know they could trust me, but not to depend on me, but you were still so young, Jack. You hadn't been living with us even for even a year yet. I almost took you back home, your dad and your uncle Henry saved you from the shame. We spent one hour drinking in your dad's closed shop, Nate,' he said that with a hand on my shoulder, 'and the worst part was to drink his distasteful sober-up solution, because I was the one picking you up from school later. To this day, I still have no clue what on earth he puts on that thing.'

'Me neither,' I said, remembering far too well the rancid taste of the bottle he kept on his bar. 'But one thing no one can deny is that it works.'

Uncle Brian chuckled, stood up from the couch and walked to Jack, placing himself behind his son's chair and hugging him from behind. Before he spoke, he placed a kiss on Jack's head.

'And all that mess just because I wasn't strong enough to let you out of my sight,' he said, resting his chin on his son's head.

'I'm not going to get wasted tonight and have to drink that thing, dad. I don't ever want to have to drink that again, but that's not the point. I still don't understand your plan.'

'I don't have a plan, Jack, but you are missing my point here,' uncle Brian came back to the couch so he could look at his son during their conversation. 'And I actually have two strong pieces of evidence to make the very same point.'

'I'm all ears, dad,' Jack sounded defeated. 'Anything that can actually help me through this.

'When you walked into school that day, we all thought we were offering two innocent kids to the lions. However, when you leave tomorrow to earn your keep and give your family a future, you're leaving your daughter with six responsible adults who love her like the moon loves the stars and who have already proven that they can take perfectly good care of her. Also, when you returned from school that day, totally unscathed, you came arm in arm with this man right here,' uncle Brian grabbed my shoulders affectively again. I saw where he was going and started to feel all emotional.

'This man,' he continued, 'with whom you've shared every aspect of your life since you were four. This man, who you so blindly trust, and with great reason, who has accepted to father your child with you, Jack, without batting an eye and who has, for everyone in this house to see (and the social workers as well, mind you) proven he is just a great dad as you are. Trust your bonds, Jack. Trust your man.'

Uncle Brian gave my shoulder a squeeze, stood up again, smiled at his son and waved at his granddaughter with a silly face, making her giggle loudly and reach for him. He looked at his son first, and that gesture meant a million words. It was only when Jack nodded that he reached for our baby and took her. When he reached the door of the study, he turned round again and addressed his son one more time.

'And if we all in this family know this superb human being you chose to marry like we do, Jack, he already has a plan. Trust him on this like you do everything else, all right?'

He turned and left, closing the door behind him.

'He surely said "trust" a lot,' Jack said, plopping on the couch next to me. He spread his legs and passed his right foot under my ankles.

'Maybe that could be a good idea?'

'You think I don't trust you, Nate?'

'Ooh, we're using names and serious voices now? All right,' I moved on the couch so I could face him. 'You do. And you also don't. Your trust ends when it actually should really start. A moment like this, when the healthy train of thought for you should be "I'll go to work and I'll miss my kid, but I won't worry because I know she's in safe hands", is when your trust falters. But I understand. You're a possessive and protective person by nature and those two combined make it hard to let go, even when it's not permanently.'

I held my breath and looked at him, trying to read or understand his expression.

'Say it, Nate.'

'I know you've been spending the last nine months fighting the tinge of regret you feel for not spending her first night here with her. And I know it has nothing to do with me, but the guilt still lives there.'

He took my hand on his.

'She doesn't live here,' he tapped his temple. 'Not anymore. She comes to visit, though. Less and less as time goes by, but she still appears. Alice was only two weeks old back then, I can reason it out that she wasn't at all aware of what was going on and that I actually gave her a much better night than I possibly could otherwise. And I was securing three futures in one move.'

'And isn't going to work to do your job securing your family's future as well?' I hear my voice getting drier, as it always does whenever I refute Jack's point with a more logical one. 'And until we're married and settled in our home, that's still three.'

'Do you really want to have more kids with me?' There was a hint of hope there. 'Do you want to go through all of this again?'

'All what again, Jack? Loving you and loving your kid? Jack, you do know that, although my job shows me every day that it doesn't happen a lot anymore, marriage is supposed to be forever, right? I accepted a life-long commitment, mister.'

'I can't wait to finally marry you, Munchkin,' Jack took me by the nape and planted a kiss on my mouth. I could feel all of his anxiety in that kiss, but I also felt he was surrendering his worries, telling me that he did trust me. 'Five more months. I hope they pass in a flash.'

'Me too,' I said and pecked his lips one more time.

'So, what's your plan?'

'A very simple one. Chamomile tea. You're going to wake up a bit earlier, enjoy having Alice in your arms a little, and give her a bottle of chamomile tea. It's sweet and she will love it. Rock her in your arms until she falls asleep. Put her back in her cot, go to work, pretend you're focusing on your own lecture when you're in fact compulsively checking "AliCam", do your paper work, and come back home to your daughter. Drive safely, though. We all want you in one piece.'

'Talking about "AliCam", where did my father take Alice?' Jack asked. I check my phone and answer him.

'To his room. He and uncle Allan are playing with her, but she's already in her cot there.'

'Wake up early, you say?' Jack kissed me again. 'If I am to wake up early, I should go to bed right this instant.'

'Jack, it isn't even eight yet.'

'So, are you coming or do I have to put myself to sleep?'

'Nope. I'm coming. See. I'm right here with you.'