A long lane at night

2.3. AND THEN WE KISS

** NATE **

SO, THAT'S THAT. THE JOB IS DONE. AFTER FOUR extremely long years, Jack finally went home with the child he dreamed so much of adopting. The road that was paved with invasive interviews had finally led to his desired destination. All of those who were lucky enough to be there to witness the first time he saw his daughter, will testify that they have never seen someone shine as bright as Jack did when his eyes met the baby girl's ones. That was a picture to be permanently sewn to mind. It's quite sad when you think his fathers weren't there to see something so beautiful.

By now, he was probably already at his dads' house. Knowing Brian and Allan, they won't even have it in them to scold Jack for becoming a father without their knowledge.

I shudder just to think what my father would do to me if I came home with a kid.

Come on, Nate, you know perfectly well that now that it's over and done, you'll never have a kid of your own.

As I take off my shoes, feeling the smooth socks protect my feet from the floor, I reach for my desk drawer, where I keep the folder with all of the documents I've collected over the years regarding Alice's adoption. I even managed to secure copies of Jack's own process. I remember when this folder was so empty. Now, I can barely close it.

Jack has his own kid. He did things his way, like always. He didn't care to date anyone. He didn't want to get married. He wanted to become a father and he did. I remember the day he asked for my help.

Of course I would help. When would I ever deny anything Jack asked of me?

He had called me from his car saying he needed to talk because he had something important to ask me.

I felt so hopeful.

When would I learn?

I remember the first time I looked differently at Jack.

We were twelve, leaving our PE class. That was when Jack had started showing interest in working out. He had always been active, but now, even still so young, his abs were starting to chisel. He had taken off his shirt at the changing room and I distractedly glanced at him, then everything around me stopped and everything inside my head exploded.

It's been fourteen years, seven months, and twenty-one days that I have fantasised about Jack. There, I finally answered how long I have been waiting for him to notice me, to want me like I wanted him.

But now reality is kicking in and I am ready to accept Jack and I will never be together the way I wanted. I had to settle for the best friend role. It is a great role, but a side one. Maybe not now that Alice is still so small, but he will meet someone one day and fall in love and maybe get married.

So many were the times I dreamt it would be me facing him when he did get married. So many other times, when anxiety spoke louder than hope, and I thought that it was more likely that I would be where I always was, on the side. Now I'm not even anxious. I just... know.

I switch my laptop screen on and, in a second, I'm already seeing so many pictures taken of me and Jack along the years. I am even quicker to find my favourite one. It was taken when we were sixteen and were visiting the Christ the Redeemer Statue in Rio. Uncle Brian was on tour and this time they had managed to convince my father to let me go with them. Jack looks so scared in the picture. He's always been terrified of heights. I have one of my hands openly pressing the top of his head. As I stare at the still image, my mind plays that moment back for me.

'What are you afraid of, Jack?' I asked teasing him. 'You're not going to fall from here.'

'I know, dude,' he was as angry as he always got whenever he was uneasy and someone forced him to see reason. 'But it's still bad, okay? It's stupid...'