love, your sweet p

and it was locked.

February 23, 2019

Dear Diary,

     It has been a rough week. Everybody's really worried about someone going home on Wednesday, especially the moms. The kids, we needed to come together and dance great and the moms needed to pipe down. None of that happened. Today, I proved my theory that I don't deserve to be here.

     We got the biggest dressing room and immediately after Brady had come back from gelling the crap out of his hair and doing the dorkiest middle part, Joanne, Stacey, and Tricia started causing drama. Stacey has really been pushing on Tricia lately.

     Then Abby came in and the moms just started praying on Brady, claiming that he gets more attention because he's a boy and yadda yadda. They complained that he doesn't get nor fix his corrections when we're in the studio. We all look in horror. Is this what it's come to?

     When Abby called up the duets, Mom was still sewing in my bow, so she had to come with me. She basically told me nobody was going to look at me because I chose Brady. I think it's absolute bull. Then Abby insulted Hannah by calling Lilly more advanced.

     Hannah and Lilly were first. They were really good and elegant. Good facial expressions and everything. The only issue is that Hannah messed up the timing. I couldn't tell who's musicality was off, though.

     Next were Sarah and Savannah. They need to have more duets. They were so cool on stage. I got the concept and everything. They had the coolest costumes and probably the best choreography. The song was also incredible as well. They complimented each other so well.

     Last were me and Brady. This is where I made my fatal flaw. Everything was great until the lift where I bobbled. Then everything else was off. I wasn't straight on the aerial and I nearly collided with Brady.

     After the second filming, In the waiting area, I cried so hard. I did so badly. I knew right then and there I wasn't good enough for the team. This was the week that I had to do the best and I blew it. Brady and Gia tried to comfort me, but it just wasn't going to help.

     In the dressing room, Abby didn't yell at me until I started crying. She told me that I wasn't as good as Brady, that his difficulty level was higher than mine. All I heard was that I was a failure to the Abby Lee Dance Company. I tried to defend myself, but I couldn't. I did awful on stage.

     Then we had to get ready for the group dance. I really like the dress. It's pretty and white and I knew that it would look beautiful on stage. Once we all got prepared, Abby called out Lilly out of the blue and claimed she was jealous of Brady, even though she had made no claim of that in the past.

     Then Stacey decided to defend her daughter by casting the blame on Michelle, who definitely did not target Tricia as hard as Michelle. Mom backed up Lilly, Tricia argued that Stacey targeted her and Brady the most, Stacey averted the blame to everybody else, and then people were defending themselves like they were going to get killed. It was a MESS!!!!

     Abby then ended it by propping her wheelchair up so that it looked like she was standing. Somehow, Abby took this group of chaotic moms screaming like they were headless chickens into a group of rallying supporters for each other. HOW??????

     She managed to pull the group together enough that all I was focusing on was to try to make up for my failure in the duet. I already know I don't deserve to be on this team, but maybe I could at least save my dignity. It's been chaos and Abby's angry about it, so we needed to come together right now and pull this off.

     Everything was going great. I pulled off the acting well, pretending I was hearing monster noises and at the same time deaf. Then we had a combined part at the end of the dance and Lilly fell on her side aerial and fell out of her turns. Safe to say, now she was the one crying in the waiting area.

     The worst part is the reason that she messed up was that she would have kicked me in the face. I would have rather had her kick me in the face. I deserve it. I ruined my duet and the group dance. I feel awful.

     Immediately after we cooled down, we had to go to awards. Savannah's duet got third, Lilly's got second, and SOMEHOW, by the graces of the dance gods, WE GOT FIRST. Nananana na na! I picked the right person, but I don't feel any better about whether I deserve to be here. I don't. But even so, I screwed up big time and we got first! We also won the group dance, which was a big relief.

     In the dressing room, Abby blamed Lilly and Stacey for basically everything. Even though Stacey did cause the majority of the drama, she didn't deserve it. Brady and I went over to basically shield her. After a lot of getting picked on, we got kicked out.

     We heard the moms arguing inside the dressing room. Outside, we tried to calm Lilly down by giving her some leftover crackers and some apple juice and trying to distract her. It was working until Stacey pulled her out and forced Lilly into the middle of a screaming argument with a producer.

     She's sleeping with me right now. I feel awful. She's curled up in such a tight and defensive ball, tears drying on her cheeks. If only I wasn't in the way, she would be chipper and happy like she normally is.

     In conclusion, I've come to understand two things. One: I ruin everything and make people's lives hell. Two: I don't deserve to be competing with the ALDC and I should go back home to New Jersey.

Love,

sweet p