love, your sweet p

but i needed to end the pain.

April 6, 2019

Dear Diary,

     The start of the day was chaotic. Hannah and I both threw up from the nerves even though we've never gotten sick from nerves in our lives and Stacey nearly sewed Lilly's hairpiece wrong, her hair almost falling out!

     As we got out of the bus, Studio 19 was up and front with their banners, chanting their weird motto about them going insane. If only they knew how trapped you feel when you are actually insane. As Abby was checking us in, we went to our room, and Sarah and Michelle were waiting for us there!

     I know one thing about Sarah and Michelle: they never give up. They have Pittsburgh grit, as they like to call it. It's in their blood. The moms, who never agree on anything, agreed Sarah should dance.

     Abby was less than happy, to say the least when she saw Sarah and Michelle there. Not even Sarah was allowed into the dressing room, which was awful. The moms banded together and entered in this odd train situation with Sarah sandwiched in between them, sneaking Sarah into the dressing room.

     Of course, Abby wasn't happy either when she noticed Sarah. She didn't yell at Sarah, per se, but she was annoyed. So annoyed that when she heard Michelle yelling at the Studio 19 teacher inside, and then tried to enter our dressing room, she called the fricking cops! C-O-P-S, cops!

     Sarah was crying, people were trying to get her things to calm her down and convince Abby to not call the cops, but all in all, Michelle was kicked out, but Sarah was not. Sarah was chastised heavily, but she was still here.

     Then we finally got to run the solos. All three of them look good, but once again, Brady lacks the emotional connection. Even Tricia was nervous. Sarah was not allowed to come with us to watch the solos. She had to sit with the moms and her mom, which was still somehow there.

     Lilly was up first. It was so pretty! She was like this little flower petal flying through the air. She was graceful, her daintiness was perfect, her legs, feet, and technique were excellent, her ballet was the main star, and her smile was the icing on the cake. Perfect solo.

     Brady was next. As per normal, he was and still is the best dancer that will ever grace that stage. He had the feet, lines, technique, control, flexibility, everything. Everything except the emotion on his face. He had more than when we were running it, but not enough. I don't get why I'm criticizing because if I did what he did, I would fall flat on my face.

     Last was Gia. Something about Gia's performances just sparkles and shines on stage. Except for Rich Girl, but we don't talk about that one. She has that "it" factor on stage. She is also a high contender for getting first. The one issue is that at the end of her turns, she goes onto her pinky toe.

     We then quickly had to run back to the dressing room to get ready. Mom quickly did my hair and then decided to do Sarah's hair just in case. It wasn't until about ten minutes after Mom had finished and Ann and Mom were putting in bobby pins that Abby noticed.

     Abby was less than pleased with Mom, claiming her to be sort of a backstabber, but then, the unimaginable happened. She let Sarah do it by herself, on the condition that if she messed up, she was out. That was going to be hard.

     And guess what? She did it perfectly. Not a sickled foot, messed up line, missed facial expression in sight. Sorry Abby, but she called your bluff, and she killed it! After a couple of tense and awkward minutes, Sarah was cleared to dance.

     So we basically had to do a rush job to get her ready in five minutes. But after that, she was ready. After filming our weird intro scene, we had to RUN to get ready. But we were just on time to do our group routine.

     I was awful. I whipped myself around in my turns, sickled my feet ten times and counting, my facial expressions were bad, I didn't stand out, and I almost slipped. I felt like crying and I still do. I was a horrendous teammate who doesn't deserve to be alive.

     Onto awards. Brady got seventh, Gia got fifth, Lilly got second (a Studio 19 member got first with her solo), and the group got second place! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING GOOD FOR THIS GROUP! If I had just died and only Sarah and the rest of the girls had been in it, it would have won.

     Abby was not happy. I made her sick while she was watching me. I can't even make people not throw up. I'm useless. Finally, I broke down as we were loading the bus. I'm done with this. I cannot wait for the two-week break in England. Now I'm sitting with Brady. He's asleep. I need to go to sleep too.

Love,

sweet p