love, your sweet p

again,

May 10, 2019

Dear Diary,

     Today is the last day I will spend in my house. Tomorrow will be the last dance competition I will ever attend. Tomorrow is the last date I'll see Tallie. It's all setting in for me now: the realization that this will be the last time for everything.

     Earlier in the day, we were finishing up the group dance and oh my gosh, it was a hot mess. Paris and Berkleigh didn't know the counts or the choreo, they had no facial expressions, and the moms were a hot mess.

     Paris and Berkleigh are both fabulous dancers. Paris is like the new Misty Copeland. She has great technique and is an amazing turner. She's super funny and really wants to go to Disney World. Berkleigh is super flexible, super tough, yet sweet, and since she's a military kid, she is better equipped on how to handle this fast-paced environment. Either one would make a good fit. But I know both are going to make it. One to replace Elliana, and one to replace me.

     I still had to use the purple dress in the final dress rehearsal. Mom doesn't want Abby to know about the costume change until it's too late. I feel really bad. On my last week on Earth, I'm betraying Abby.

     The bus ride was super fun. The new moms were super unaware of all our traditions and were very annoyed at our relentless karaoke. We stopped midway to get straw hats for our group dance and ice cream. I got my favorite ice cream: chocolate chip cookie dough. I even finished watching The Good Place with Lilly. My last bus ride went well.

     On our way to the hotel, where Mom and I called an Uber to go to our house, I gave my favorite earrings to Hannah. She'd be the one who would take the best care of them. She was so happy. They're going to good hands.

     Then we went to our house. It feels so... sentimental. This is the place to be on my last weekend on Earth. We had one of my favorites: lasagna. And I was and still am surrounded by the people I love the most. The people that I will hurt the most.

     I feel so guilty that I'm doing this. One of my friend's mom's committed suicide and my friend hated herself. I hate myself so much for doing this. I'm going to tear this family apart. I feel so selfish. I just can't handle the pain anymore. Come to think of it, will anyone care?

     Now, I'm spending the final day I ever will be in my own bed, not an apartment bed, with my dog and cat, Shenanigans and Pippa, who won't even notice I'm gone. I guess that's it. It's going to be a really weird competition tomorrow. Nobody will know it will be my last competition. Two days left.

Love,

sweet p