love, your sweet p

if i made a mistake in any way,

March 15, 2019

Dear Diary,

     I nearly left the ALDC today. Maybe it would have been for my own benefit, but I'm still here, unfortunately. If yesterday, I wanted to die, today, I wanted to kill myself even more. Today was so humiliating.

     So, first, we have to wake up super early in the morning to go to Virginia for the competition, which is a bummer. I hate having my sleep schedule thrown off track, but this is Dance Moms, so it's the least of my worries.

     When we arrive, we finally get to see Elliana for the first time in forever. She was super sad she wasn't in the group. I almost gave up my spot so the group had a chance of winning, but I kept my mouth shut. I couldn't even open my mouth and speak.

     The bus ride is fun as usual. Elliana made it really interesting, bringing gummy worms to toss into each other's mouths. Yolanda and Stacey were actually hanging out as friends, which totally means the drama was fake.

     When we got to the studio in Virginia for some extra practice time, the group dance was and still is a mess. Something just isn't clicking with us and since so many people keep leaving and people start coming back, we can't be a team.

     Then she rehearsed my solo. I was awful, which makes sense since I'm a horrible dancer. My aerials aren't straight and my knee is bent in my turns. It's just another syndrome of mediocre-dancer-itis.

     Then Mom brought up the incident last night in the bathroom. Abby said I didn't misunderstand what she said and then Mom pointed out the parts of my body Abby has rightfully picked on: every part.

     When Abby said that she needed to camouflage my body, Mom lost it. She dragged me out of the room and said we were leaving. I started crying, begging her not to, but Mom was hell-bent. I was ashamed. If my body was prettier, I would be a better dancer.

     I can't even describe how hellish the next six hours were. The ending conclusions were: Tallie was now up here because Mom called him, so he was going to stay and watch me perform. I was dancing tomorrow and Mom and I would talk about it later, and that ice cream and a movie do nothing to soothe me anymore. Nothing will, ever.

Love,

sweet p