love, your sweet p

i'm sorry.

March 16, 2019

Dear Diary,

     Oh my God, I'm such an embarrassment to this team. To start, this week felt empty without the cheeriness of Savannah for hotel breakfast. She was the only person awake enough to make us awake enough.

     The girls and the moms were very surprised I stayed, and Gia, thinking that Mom had taken it too far (which she had), resorted to shielding me from Mom whenever she thought she got too close, even at the competition.

     When we got to the competition, there was no crowd. We were met with silence. It's probably because of me, the one who ruins everything. I wish I could talk to Mom about how I feel, but I need to figure this out myself.

     While we were getting ready, Abby abandoned us to clean up Elliana's solo. I like my makeup and hair, but not the costume. It barely covers my thighs, and Abby said they were too big. I don't wanna die, but should I?

     Abby basically told me, as my pep talk, I was lucky to be here with a solo, and I needed to win because I had more practice time than Elliana. I agree. I'm surprised I wasn't stripped of my solo when Mom nearly ruined everything, and I need to win.

     Elliana went first. Even though she only had forty-five minutes, it was so good! Her technique and faces, everything that makes an Abby dancer an Abby dancer, she had it. The only issues were that she dropped the rope, like, twice, and she bobbled on her tilt, but it was still so good.

     Oh my God, I was awful. Straight out of the gate, sickle my foot, and bend my knee on the opening turns. My firebird in the middle was sloppy and low, I nearly missed my sissone, and my attitude turn transition was sloppy and sickled.

     Last was Hannah. It was so good! Her leaps were high, her technique was good, and she wasn't shy. Her mom was on the sidelines because she carried in the prop, so Ann got a front-row ticket to one of Hannah's best performances.

     When we were done, Yolanda briefly took a crying Elliana somewhere and Abby followed her, which was weird. Not anything developing day, just... interesting. ANYWAY... we had to get ready for the group dance.

     I really liked the costume. It looked like an olive branch and a dove, even though hazing is NOT peaceful. All of us are not very confident in the dance. Abby did not spend enough time on it and we're not good enough.

     We legitimately prayed on the sides, like, to God himself. Right before we went on stage, Gia couldn't get the counts, though, and I told her to follow Hannah because we didn't have time, which was a little frustrating.

     Once again, my leg was bent on my turns, which is just proving I'm a broke dancer. Then the lift where we're supposed to catch Lilly into her back walkover just was a hot mess, making us fail dramatically. Safe to say, everything was abysmal. Gia was crying about her slip-up with the counts, blaming us for not telling her.

    The final placements: Hannah, second in her category, me, second in my category, and Elliana first in our category. Elliana beat me with less than half the practice time I had. I'm such a failure to the ALDC. The group dance was, somehow, second. I'm surprised it didn't place lower.

     Safe to say, Abby was disappointed we are now on a losing streak. I'm disappointed in myself too. Maybe if I wasn't such a bad, horrendous, screw-up like the rest of the team, maybe we would have won.

      Maybe if I could keep my leg straight in my turns and my feet could actually not sickle half the time, I would be a better dancer. Maybe if my stupid thighs weren't so big, I could be a better dancer. Maybe if I killed myself, everybody would be happy and this feeling of just... bad all the time would go away!

     I don't want to die, but maybe it's what's best. Abby can bring back Brady in my spot, or maybe even a better dancer, and everything would be perfect. We would win every number, everything would be chummy, and Abby would be happy.

     I need to stop writing before I stab myself with the pencil and try to kill myself. I just want everything to be over. Dancing isn't even that fun anymore. I feel sad all the time. Why am I here?

Love,

sweet p