love, your sweet p

Day 13

May 25, 2019

Dear Diary,

     Today was the first competition I've been to since I tried to kill myself. It went okay. But I think after today's events, I'm starting to see a tiny glimmer of hope. Maybe I do deserve to be on the team after all.

     Getting ready was alright. It was a little nerve-wracking. There had been some rumors popping up about why I wasn't in rehearsal that week or in the pictures on Instagram. I think I saw one person get the actual reason, but I also saw another one claiming I had gone insane and escaped to the forest. That was a tad funny.

     The hotel breakfast wasn't that great. All they had was stale cereal and day-old muffins. I mean, it wasn't the worst food. It was certainly better than spoiled milk. But I mean, not the best. It's a hotel. It should do better.

     When we arrived at the competition, we saw none other than the iconic duo Sarah and Michelle. We all ran up to them and gave them hugs. We think Sarah is trying to get back on the team, but we haven't heard anything from Sarah yet. I think it failed.

     Mom tried to discourage the two from trying to convince Abby at a competition, but they stood their ground. Mom can be a little pushy. I brushed it aside and hoped for the best. I am still hoping for the best.

     When we were preparing for our solos, Abby was complaining about Sarah and Michelle trying to convince her to get back on the team, calling them, "the enemy." Maybe Sarah and Michelle should have tried tomorrow.

     After that, the pressure was on us. I needed to win. I needed to beat Brady so that I could get a solo at Nationals. Brady had a disadvantage that is an advantage. Paris also had a shot if the judges didn't care about it being about Whitney Houston.

     I went first. I was scared, so scared. This was my first competition after my suicide attempt and if I didn't win this, I had no solo at Nationals. But once I stepped on stage, I became old Pressley. Sure, my feet weren't the best, but I sold it, and for the first time in what seemed like a while, I think I killed it.

    Paris was up next. She did well. I saw the judges' faces and they were not happy with the material. But Paris makes good connections with the audience. I don't think anybody except Paris could've pulled off her number.

     Brady went last. I really liked his song, but I also liked his dancing. His jumps and turns were immaculate with a vision impairment, his jumps and turns were fabulous, and his artistry and musicality were through the roof. Solid performance.

     Once we got back to the dressing room, however, the moms discovered what we had known forever: you could see through the blindfold. They were throwing it around and having fun. We didn't care about the argument, we were just glad our moms were getting along.

     Mom even went into the hallway, held it up to the camera, and held her tongue. After that dispute, though, we had to get ready for the group dance. We were NERVOUS. We had black dresses on with these tiny bows with netting covering our forehead.

     When we got to the sidelines, Abby and Joanne placed down the black flour. I heard backstage we were getting five points off for a "dangerous prop." That was annoying. We needed to keep a 295 if we wanted to win.

     I think we killed it. This is the first group dance I didn't count how many times I sickled my foot. It was the first time I feel like we had performed as a group and not as soloists. Plus, nobody tripped on the ashes. The judges were definitely impressed. We just needed to win.

     Next were awards. I was so nervous. The group dance got first, Paris got fifth, Brady got second, and I. GOT. FIRST. I did it! I beat everybody! I won! I'm so happy! It's the first time I've won on Dance Moms, right when it counted! First week since I tried to kill myself and I did it! Maybe I am good enough to be on this team.

     But then Abby revealed that Brady and I would BOTH be dancing at Nationals. Well, she didn't tell me, but she told Mom. But whatever, I'm so happy, I could scream. I screamed in the car. We even went to get ice cream at nine at night.

Love,

sweet p