love, your sweet p

i wish it didn't come to this,

April 5, 2019

Dear Diary,

     Now, I never curse. I'm not somebody who curses or cusses or whatever you wanna call it. But today was an absolute shit show and everybody's crying over it. The start of the day was okay. Another blah dance day, packing up to go to Lancaster.

     We watched the solos. I think GiaNina or Lilly will win. Brady's is hard to see conceptually and emotionally. Lilly's doesn't have a real storyline but it is very sweet and pretty, and GiaNina got that jazz factor. We also had to finish choreography today since we got early endings two days in a row.

     Sarah and Michelle didn't show up to rehearsals and we thought they weren't coming with us, which was heartbreaking. But as we were loading up everything onto the bus, none other than Sarah and Michelle arrived.

     Sarah got out of the car, ready to talk to Abby. She went into the door, disappeared for a minute, and immediately came out sobbing. It was clear she was not dancing with us this week. Once again, I want to kill myself so she would get her spot back. The mothers even fought for temporary guardianship so only Sarah would go and not Michelle, but Abby refused.

     We all hugged her goodbye and we all were sobbing. We've become a family over these weeks even though people have come and left. We're a family. Sarah has been one of the original cast members and one that has not left. So her not being able to dance with us hurts.

     The bus ride was very weird. We were all FURIOUS at Abby for not letting Sarah dance. Even though she had brought cupcakes for everybody, there was one cupcake untouched that she had gotten in advance for Sarah that all reminded us of her.

     We're at the hotel now and because of everything that went on, Lilly and I are having a sleepover. The moms thought it would be nice to do something happy and fun with everything going on. But right now, I'm watching The Good Place while Lilly is in the shower not having a good time. I want Sarah to be here and I don't want to be here.

     Maybe if I click my heels together, it will come true, like in Wizard of the Oz, but we're not doing a tap number. This is real life. If I could click my heels together and all my wishes would come true, I would be dead and Sarah would be dancing, with or without Michelle.

Love,

sweet p