love, your sweet p

Day 20 (FINALE)

June 1, 2019

Dear Diary,

     I'm not going to spill ANY beans on what happened today. I'm going to go straight into the final competition on Dance Moms. The one competition that meant if we made it and saved Abby's reputation or we failed.

     Starting, we got donuts. Food is really starting to taste good again. But only sweet things. That's why Mom lets me eat sugar; it's all I can really taste. We all felt awful that Sarah wasn't with us. She came with us to see the musical. But we were all so excited.

     I was really nervous. A lot of people now have heard about my suicide attempt by word of mouth. I don't know what producer or camera operator spilled it, but I've seen it around a lot. Everybody knows.

     When we got to the competition, guess who was there? Studio 19. I am honestly done with this team. They took Sarah away. Abby told us to be professionals, but we glared at them like nobody was watching.

     The competition area was huge. The whole building was huge. Our dressing room, somehow, was tiny. Normally it's a classroom, but we could barely fit a tiny crew in there plus us. It was the only wheelchair-accessible room probably.

     Lilly had to get her makeup done by an artist. It was so detailed and insanely eye-catching from miles away. But it was a lot of paint. So much paint. Half of her body, including her hair, was red and pink and white.

     The problem was she practiced first and got paint everywhere, which meant when it was my turn to dance in my frumpy old pajamas (the worst costume in the world), I couldn't really dance as well as I wanted to.

     This enraged and I mean ENRAGED my mother. Apparently, Abby bet Lilly was going to win and we, me and Brady, were going to lose. Fair enough. But this was the final straw for Mom. She yelled so much she forced Lilly to clean up the paint. Then Lilly walked out.

     I felt awful. I can't do anything right. I always have to cause chaos everywhere I go. I was right from the beginning. I don't deserve to be here. We all made sure she was okay before Abby came in for​​ the pep talk.

     Here's the weird thing. She came in, gave her pep talk, and then left. Then, when Lilly performed, she wasn't in the audience. She didn't watch us perform at all. She didn't care about me. I ruined it for anybody.

     Anyway, Lilly went first. All of the choreography was lacking for the National title. Of course, Lilly did amazing. Her legs were straight, her facial expressions were cool, and her feet were pointed. But since her dance was pure contortion and leg extensions, there wasn't much to judge.

     I was next. I couldn't do many facial expressions. I was a doll that could not move her face. I think I tried my best though. I didn't think I was going to place against Lilly, though. Mine was for a nine-year-old.

     Brady was last. He did really well. He's not the musical theatre type. He likes ballet and contemporary. But for barely knowing who the Rat Pack was on Wednesday, he embodied the character and wowed the judges with his tricks.

     When we got back, Abby still wasn't there. So we had to get ready for the group dance without her. According to Stacey, it turned out a Studio 19 member harassed her and she went to file a POLICE REPORT.

     POLICE. REPORT. She filed A. POLICE. REPORT. This was ridiculous. After all, we've been through, she went to file a police report. She eventually came back on time with some chastization from the moms, but it all worked out.

     As I was finishing up my look, I remember feeling so many emotions. First, sadness. This whole thing was over. I had become best friends with so many people and now we were never going to see each other again. This show has also taken me through hell. I feel so much regret about my suicide attempt. Mrs. Green's been helping me through that.

     Next was anger. Why was this over? Could we not convince the network to extend it? Why did this have to be over? Last was nervousness. If we didn't win, we did all of this for nothing. If we didn't win, I didn't deserve to be on the team.

     We had one final pep talk and then we left. We were all shaking as we went to the wings. This was our final performance as a group. Then we were going to go back to Jersey and NC and Florida and Indiana and be strangers with memories.

     As they called us out, Lilly did her opening move. Then Brady picked her up. Then I came on. The rest of it was a blur. I think we did well, but I forgot. But it felt surreal. Even though I forgot how we did, I think we did amazing. I have a feeling we were perfect. When the confetti hit, I knew it in my heart.

     All we did was hug each other and makeup plans to all reconnect sometime until awards. Nothing will ever break us apart. Even if I grow to hate some of them, I will never forget the bond we had.

     Then awards came. We were all so nervous. Shaking more than before. This was it. The amount of sweat that was pouring out of my hands was honestly disgusting. Oh my God, this was it. The final awards ceremony.

     For solos, Brady got ninth, Lilly got fourth, and I... didn't place. I almost cried on the stage. My stomach and heart dropped. I disappointed and failed Abby. I'm such a failure! Why can't I do anything right?

     But... It's okay. You know why? BECAUSE WE WON FRICKIN' NATIONALS! WE. WON. NATIONALS!!!!!!! That was the first time since forever that I felt the world's great emotion: happiness. Finally.

     When we got back to the dressing room, we celebrated like nobody's business. It felt like an excellent closing to a wonderful beginning and an awful middle. For once in my life, I felt like Abby was proud of us. That was also the first time I saw Brady cry.

     I'm going to be honest. This journey has been through hell and back. I know I've already reflected on my journey on Dance Moms here, but I wanna do it again. For old time's sake. Diary, please appease me.

     It started off wonderful. We were winning, we were dancing, creating memories. Then I started to doubt myself. I should have never doubted myself. Because doubt soon leads you to believe those lies are true.

     Soon, your body forgets what it's like to be happy and you sink. You start drowning in high waters. Eventually, your body becomes numb and you surrender to the coldness, drowning in the murky waters.

     A lot of people never escape those murky waters. They sink to the bottom. Some are never seen again. But there are those lucky few who get pulled back up by a lifeboat, even if they don't want to. Many of those saved will jump in again.

    I wanted to jump back in many times. I almost did last night, believe it or not. I actually had a plan to jump off into the pond near our house and drown myself. I haven't told anybody this. But this win, right here, made me reconsider. Maybe life's worth living.

Maybe it's all worth it.

Love,

sweet p