love, your sweet p

i'm sorry.

May 11, 2019

Dear Diary,

     Today started as one of the worst competitions and ended as one of the best. I set out to make this the best competition I ever attended. I think I can say that this was one of the most disappointing yet rewarding dance competitions I've ever done on Dance Moms.

     I got to eat my favorite breakfast on my last Saturday on Earth: chocolate chip pancakes. However, it just tasted like mush. I mean, I tasted the chocolate, but it didn't seem good anymore. But to my parents, I was all smiles.

     I made sure to hug Tallie super hard. Everything feels more at peace. I made sure to give Shenanigans and Pippa an extra big hug, even though they legitimately did not care. They looked so disturbed. Mom and I had to call an Uber to go to the hotel.

    When we got there, the bus was running late, but the moms brought donuts, so I got to have a donut too. I got the strawberry sprinkled one. When the bus came, the moms were not ready for more obnoxious karaoke. I wasn't either. I sat alone.

     Abby seemed off. I have a feeling it was something with Diana. She still isn't up as I'm writing. She's still in that coma. I knew the costume was going to make her even madder. But Mom wanted me to not feel ashamed of my body. I'm ashamed of everything.

     In the dressing room, Berkleigh had gotten the extra makeup spot because she had a solo and the producers forced everybody to make a big deal about how Berkleigh had gone ahead and taken it instead of sharing it with Paris.

     Then the solos happened. Hannah hated her costume, but she went with it. When Abby saw my costume, she was so mad. She said that I wasn't a team player anymore and basically told me I was a disappointment to the team. Berkleigh's costume was also very nice.

     Up first was Hannah. Poor Hannah. Abby obviously didn't care about her choreography. Hannah tried her best, but her musicality felt flat, she stumbled through the dolly and her eyes didn't have that psychopathic look.

     Next was me. I had to perform my best. This was my last competition. And I think I bombed it. I was dealing with the stress of the dressing room drama and that made me self-conscious about everything. Not my best final performance. But I think I did the best I could with all the drama.

     Last was Berkleigh. Oh my gosh, it was so good. She's like Lilly, but she has brown hair. She had very clean lines and technique, but her routines, unlike Lilly's, didn't rely on contortion moves. Maybe she could teach Abby something.

     Right before we had to get ready for the group dance, Abby did something nobody saw coming: she left. She left for California for her friend Diana. Nobody was mad at her, which was nice. We all understood.

     The costume for the group dance was kinda weird. We had the straw hats we bought the day before and overalls with these odd pockets where we kept the papers. Lilly was the only one that had something on it. She was getting stoned. I should have been stoned.

     The group dance was not where it should be. Paris and Berkleigh couldn't get this one part with Gia, and all the moms were kinda ganging up on Paris. Poor Paris was crying. I felt so bad for her. She was trying her best to stay calm, but you could tell she was scared.

     After that, though, we had to go perform. And I gotta say, when we performed on stage, that was the best time we performed. Paris and Berkleigh got the timing right and everything. Everybody was together and knew the counts. It was magical.

     Right after the second filming was awards. Hannah was tenth (poor Hannah), Berkleigh was first, and I was fourth. This still sucks. Even on my last competition day, the one and only competition with my team jacket, I couldn't win. I am a true failure.

     But the group dance won with a 298.7! Everybody expected this group dance to lose and it frickin won by half a point! That's the good point. I went out with a bang in the group dance at least. I proved myself to be a team player in the end.

     The rest of the day was peaceful. The producers and all the crew played games with us as we packed up, and the moms all got along, it was like the dream team. Everything seemed... better. This was the way to go.

     I'm sitting next to Brady now. He's out. The person I'm closest to. When we wake up, we'll be back in Pittsburgh. When we go to bed tomorrow, one person won't wake up in the morning. I gave Brady my AirPods (after cleaning them of course). I just need to give Gia her team jacket. One day left.

Love,

sweet p