Gehraiyaan.

Chapter 19

"Guys! Thank you so much for joining the party tonight", Darshan gets on stage and announces into the mic.

His speech is a tad bit slurred. I think he has been drinking hours before the party actually started with Naveen, and the others.

"I'm not going to deliver a long, boring speech about how grateful I am to have all of you. Because I'm absolutely not", he jokes and everyone breaks out into a fit of laughter.

"Joking, okay? I don't want people resigning tomorrow because I don't value you. Anyways. The night is yours. Set the dance floor on fire, empty the bars and damage your liver! It's just one night, after all. Enjoy!", he screams and jumps off the stage.

The lights fade out a little, and the music escalates. The thumping music seizes the entire space, and it's honestly indescribably loud. I can feel literally every beat. People rush to the bars, and jump around, dancing. Within moments, I know that I'm not going to find a space in the party.

I'm not a party-animal. At all. Forget about animal, I'm not even a party-person. I've always remained confined to my comfort zone, throughout my life, and anything the lies out of it, stays out of my life. As simple as that.

Standing in the corner of the room, my eyes search for Darshan. Moments later, I catch him in the Bar with a bunch of people, jumping around with a genuinely big smile on his face. He looks so happy, and so free. Touchwood.

I wish I could simply swirl around him like him, without thoughts running wild in my head. Without the fear of tomorrow. Without the weight of a shattered past. Without the sorrow of a lost love. I wish I could be him. Or somewhere close. I wish I could be that content and full of life. I can merely wish.

I snap out of my depressing thoughts - literally, in the middle of a happening party - and find a space to sit in the extreme corner of the room.

In that moment of loneliness, somehow, my mind mercilessly drags me back to the thoughts of Advik - the days we spent together, the promises we made and the love that died. And I cannot help but think - what went so wrong between us that we're so far apart?

If things went our way, today I would've been a married woman, living my dream. I wouldn't have been an aimless traveller, without a definite path. I don't know where I'm standing in life right now, what I'm doing or what I want from life. Everything has met stagnancy. I don't know if I'm happy, or not. I feel as though I don't have a purpose.

I still remember our first date. I remember how nervous I was, and how awkward the entire thing was. We didn't have much to talk about, we'd exchange shy smiles every now-and-then, and there was a considerable amount of distance between us while we walked down a park. Deep down, I was terrified that we'd get caught.

Nothing went our way that evening. It was chaotic, but somehow still beautiful. He didn't mind how awkward and silent I was. We talked about everything I loved. I felt as though I found my person. And at that moment, I honestly needed someone I could call home, because I was still walking through the sufferings of my parents' divorce. He was protective. He filled the void in my life, and I never thought that he'd go on to create a void so big in my life.

Sometimes, in life, you bump into people who make you believe in fairytales, and ones who keep you warm with their love. But that doesn't mean that they'll make you feel that way, forever. You'll have to let go, regardless of how it makes you feel.

When people walk away, and when the fragrance of their memories stay, all you can do is be thankful for the part of themselves they chose to share with you; for the beautiful colours of the world they showed you, and for making you feel emotions you never thought that existed before. I'm still learning, and maybe, someday, I turn back to look at Advik with a heart so grateful for being a part of my life. But until then, the thought of him will only continue to tear my heart apart.