I'm Dating My Cold Professor

Chapter 30

Chapter 30

I haven't seen him for a week. It's hard, for the both of us. I didn't even attend his subject last week. I don't know what I should do when I see him. My heart breaks every time I remember that time. I didn't even go to Secret Garden again. I might break. I might lose it all. I haven't seen him in the bistro. Every time I close my eyes, I remember him. And it still hurts.

Every day without him is an empty life. This sucks. How can life turns into a sudden change? I am so depending on him. I dried my eyes.

I'm sorry, Gray. I'm such a coward.

And today, I have the courage to go to his subject. I'll see him again today. My steps are slow. I don't know what I should do when I see him, what I should feel. Why am I even thinking about this? I left him.  I did this to myself. I have hurt him. I didn't have the right to feel like this.

I looked at my watch. I am late for his subject. So I walk faster but I couldn't. I could see the door of my classroom, where I will meet him again. I should walk faster. I should but I couldn't.

"Ms. Lockser." I heard a familiar voice behind him. I stiffened. I felt weak just hearing his voice. Tears formed in my eyes. I miss him so much.

I tried not to let my tears flow. I sniffed. I left him. I have no right to cry.

"Ms. Lockser, you should go inside." He said. His voice has changed. It didn't seem familiar at all. "Ms. Lockser, are you even listening to me?"

I didn't have the courage to look at him. "I'm sorry professor." I said then I walked inside the classroom. I could hear his footsteps. My classmates went silent.  I sat down in my seat and arrange my books.

I don't know where did I get my courage to see his face, but I did. My heart beats fast yet it aches. Could it be possible to feel the opposite feeling at the same time? I realized that it is. Seeing Gray is delighting yet heartbreaking. He changed based on appearance. He had stubble on his face; he hasn't shaved recently. He didn't have his glasses. His button down shirt is not properly buttoned. His eyes are tired.

 "Wow! He seemed so broken." I heard a whisper behind my seat.

"Yeah, is it because of the last week's controversy? Does that mean it's true?"  

"Maybe. He didn't even show up last week."

My eyes widened. He didn't go to class last week?

I heard murmurs and whispers in the class but nobody took the courage to ask our professor. He is wearing a frown yet he still looks breathtaking to me. He looked like a bad boy professor. Why am I even thinking about this?

He starts discussing the lesson and everyone starts focusing. I couldn't focus. I know the lesson isn't that hard. It isn't easy either. I couldn't concentrate. Hearing his voice makes my heart swell. I can't do this. I looked down at the book. I can't focus.

I stood up and everyone looked at me. I am aware that I have disturbed the class.

"What is it, Ms. Lockser?" Gray asked in irritation. I can't look at him.

"I feel sick." I stuttered. I hurriedly collect my books then put it inside my bag. "I'm sorry, I have to go."

Then I ran, once again. I ran again from him. My tears flowed in my cheeks as I run. I have no place to go. I can't go to that garden again. It hurts me even more. Why didn't I have the courage? Why am I so weak? Why can't I even fight?

I took my steps knowing that I have nowhere to go. I slowed down and I saw stairs. It's the way to a roof deck in this building. I went upstairs. Luckily, there is no one there. Some other time, students come here to take their lunch or review their lessons. Me, I am here to sulk, to cry to the strength I wanted but could never have.