DIVERGENT: Tobias (Watty Award Winner 2013)

Chapter 15

Chapter 15

After testing the rest of the initiates, I decide to spend the rest of the day with Shauna and Zeke. It just feels like I've been ignoring them lately and I can't say that it isn't true. I can't help it though! My head is always so preoccupied with other thoughts. Thoughts of a certain someone.

But I have to spend some time with them or they'll actually suspect something. And I can't have them trying to figure anything out right now. That would be extremely dangerous. For Tris.

I run over to the dining hall, knowing Zeke will be there scarfing down another slice of cake. Spotting him quickly in the crowd, I walk over to his table and take a seat.

"Hey Zeke," I say, bringing my face up into a small smile.

"Four!" Zeke shouts loud enough for everyone within a three table radius to hear while spitting bits of cake  everywhere. After swallowing what was left in his mouth, he continued. " I haven't heard from you in a couple of days! I thought you finally fell off the train or something!"

"Nah. I've just been busy." I say, chuckling a little at his comment. "But I was wondering if you wanted to hang out today. Maybe just catch up, walk around the Pit floor, eat some cake." 

"Definitely! We could just hang around. I don't really want to do anything too... physical." Zeke says, putting a hand on his, now bloated, stomach. "Man, I gotta lay off the cake!"  

Laughing at his dramatic gesture made me realize how much I actually missed Zeke. He always knew how to get me in a good mood. "Okay, well let's go see if we can get Shauna to come with us. I'm sure she's just about ready to kill me for not talking to her." 

"Yeah, sounds good." He replied and stood up from his chair. I followed him out of the dining hall and across the Pit floor to where Shauna was standing by the railing. 

"So you've finally decided to grace us with your presence?" Shauna teased with a sly smile on her face. "I was beginning to think that one of the initiates took you." Zeke burst out laughing at Shauna's comment, obviously thinking it was a joke.

But she hadn't meant it as a joke. This was a test. Her eyebrows raised as she searched my face for any type of reaction. But my face held its mask. I was good at hiding my emotions. I had to be. Back then, I had to hide the life I was living from everyone, if I wanted to avoid another beating. And that meant keeping my face blank. No emotion... no pain.

How much does Shauna know? What is she expecting me to do? 

"No, it's just that Eric and Max have me swamped with training the initiates and I haven't had much free time." I tell her with a straight face.

"Oh. Well at least we can hang out now." She lets the subject drop. She could probably tell that I wasn't going to budge on anything. And it's not like she could challenge me for answers. She just let it go and for that I'm grateful. I don't need anything else to stress about right now.

So the day continues with the three of us walking around the compound just talking and joking around like usual.  I'm glad that I asked them to hang out today. It helps me take my mind of things. With them, I can just laugh and be... Four... the person, not the instructor.

I was going to say me. But I can't be me. Not now or ever. I left him behind when I chose dauntless. I left him behind when I became Four. But he does reappear every now and then. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of him, of the person I used to be. Now more than ever, he shows up on my face and in my thoughts. And I know the cause of it too. 

It's the feelings I get when I'm around Tris. She brings out the abnegation in me. But she also brings out... Tobias. Internally I used to shy away from the name because of the memories attached to it. But I don't anymore. I embrace it. He is part of the person I have become today and I can't lose him.