DIVERGENT: Tobias (Watty Award Winner 2013)

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

The rest of the day just passes in a blur. And it doesn't make that much of a difference. Why? Because I don't get to talk to Tris, or even look at her. I just go on being the fierce and emotionless instructor that the initiates have all come to know. Maybe I'm better at being this person. This person whose disconnected from everyone else. Maybe it's a good thing to be detached from everyone...from everything.

I don't remember the exact moment that training ended for the day and I don't exactly remember leaving the fear simulation room, but, just as I push my mind out of the hazy state it's been in for the whole afternoon, I recognize where I am. Where my feet have carried me. And it's where they always carry me. The control room. I take it as a sign. I just need to figure out my emotions, try to make sense of them. Or maybe... maybe I just need to relax, push away all of my thoughts for one night and simply not think. I realize quickly that this is not as easy as it seems.

Although I want to, it's difficult for me to clear my mind completely. Ever since Tris spent the night in my apartment, she creeps up into my thoughts and invades my mind...all the time. And it's strange because I have no clue what this is supposed to mean. Or if it's supposed to mean anything! At times I think that I must be reading into things too much. But at other times I feel as though there is something I'm missing...something huge.

I sigh in frustration as I come to the conclusion that it will be impossible to clear my head tonight. So I give up for now and let the questions and theories and images swim into my mind and take over as I drift of into places beyond my control...dreams.

I feel eyes watching every step that I take and monitoring every breath that emerges from my lips. I can't see them, but I know they're there. As I look around, I realize that I'm in a clearing surrounded by trees that tower way above my head. The sky is pitch black except for the luminescent moon, which provides a faint light. 

My body becomes rigid and tense as I brace for whatever is going to happen. Because something must happen. My senses are all prepared and waiting for the faintest sound, the smallest flicker of movement, the tiniest breeze. But everything seems normal, nothing is out of place. And just as I am about to relax my position, a body pushes past the trees and walks slowly into the clearing...straight towards me.

My eyes try to focus on the approaching figure, but the small amount of light makes it almost impossible. As the figure comes closer though, I begin to recognize the body features...the short height, the small frame, the color of her hair, the way she carries herself. And the closer she gets the more I recognize exactly who she is... Tris. 

She stops directly in front of me and places a hand on my shoulder, causing a shaky breath to escape through my lips. She looks straight into my eyes and I look back. I'm waiting, but I don't know what for. We just continue to stare into each other's eyes, not muttering a word.

But while I look in her eyes, I see her determination, her selflessness, her courage, her bravery, and I also see her sacrifice, her fragility, her fear, her uncertainty. And I realize, with a shock, that I have been taking note of her even in subconsciousness. From the few weeks she's been here, my mind as well as my body have been committing her to memory. And I realize that I don't want to lose her. And then she opens her mouth to speak.

"I understand." 

I blink my eyes slowly as I look around the room. I shift my eyes up at the hundreds of screens, hoping to get a glance of the time. Before I can find any reference to the time of day, I notice a large crowd surrounding the Pit. I figure I might as well head over there. It beats siting here and trying to decipher the dream. What could it have meant? I can't even begin to comprehend it.