DIVERGENT: Tobias (Watty Award Winner 2013)

Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Once I walk out of the room, I hide off to the side waiting for Tris to leave as well. She must have been shocked or something because it took her about ten minutes to finally leave. I watched her walk down the stairs and across the pit until she blended in with the rest of the Dauntless. I looked around quickly to make sure no one was watching me in particular and, when I was satisfied, walked back over to the glass room.

I figured I would just wait here and think since I had a couple of hours to spare until eleven thirty. It seemed I was doing that a lot lately: thinking. It feels like someone has unscrewed the top of my head, stuck their hand in the bottom, and mixed up everything inside. Or, at least, I feel like that sometimes. Not all the time. A certain someone has me rethinking my whole outlook on life. 

It's just so unbelievable to me how my life has been so completely flipped and turned upside down. And it's all caused by one girl. One amazing, smart, brave, selfless girl. It seems like I thought that I knew what I was doing with my life before she came along. But the truth is, I didn't know a thing.

Now that I look back, i see how dead and empty my life really was. I was just a shell of what I could've been. I used to think that the Dauntless compound was just my safe haven, my only option. But ever since Tris walked, or maybe fell is more appropriate, into my life I see that it is more than that. I didn't choose Dauntless to run away from my one true fear. I chose it to live the life that I never dreamed I was worthy of.

Before Tris, I can remember forcing myself to wake up and endure another day in this faction. To not just escape and surrender to the factionless. To truly succumb to the idea that I will never belong. It used to feel like my body was pulling me away from here, out of this faction. But that feeling is gone now. It's been gone for a while. Actually, it's been gone since initiation started... since Tris. 

I can't stop the crazy thought that Tris is that pull. She always has been. I didn't feel the pull when I was in Abnegation because she was always there, in the sidelines, even though I barely paid her any attention. The feeling started when I chose to leave the Abnegation for the Dauntless. Because I wasn't just leaving the Abnegation. I was leaving Tris too. And I might not have known it at the time, but I know it now. That feeling was pulling me to where I belong, to home. That feeling was pulling me to Tris. Home, for me now, is where Tris is. 

And I can't help thinking that if I stayed in Abnegation, I would be realizing the same thing this very moment. Like maybe the Abnegation Tris and Tobias would be doing the same thing that we are doing in a world where both of us chose Abnegation.

My thoughts follow much of the same topic for a while when I notice the time. Eleven twenty-five. I stand and face the doorway, waiting for Tris to walk in. I have the sudden urge to pull her into my arms and keep her there for as long as possible. My realization has made it clear to me that Tris is necessary for me to live. Without her I'm just meaningless and hollow. She gives me life.

But has Tris realized this already? No. How could she? So she might not notice the deep connection that seems to be infused in our veins, connecting us to one another. No. I can't scare her away by being too physical or whatever. I just have to act like I did a couple of hours ago. 

Then I hear footsteps nearing me and wait a little impatiently for Tris to come into view. It may seem a little ridiculous, but I need to see her. Like if I don't, I might actually die. But I know I'm just exaggerating. And then she walks into the room. I don't say anything, afraid that my voice will give away my earlier thoughts. I grab her hand instead and pull her towards the train tracks. She follows me wordlessly.