DIVERGENT: Tobias (Watty Award Winner 2013)

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

 After I leave Tris that night, my head is swarming with thoughts of her. I said that the past is irrelevant. Unimportant. But mine isn't. My past is connected to Tris's and I want her to know it. My past reveals so much about who I am today. 

The more time I spend with Tris, the more I grow attached to her. The more I realize that I need her to know about me. Maybe it would bring us closer. I want to close that small distance between us. I want to make that first move and reach out to her. I want to be with her. The realization hit me so strongly tonight when I felt her delicate body wrapped in my arms. 

There is an electric pulse running through my veins, pulling me to her. How should I tell her who I really am? Would she be able to figure it out? But I'm sure she would. Her intellect would understand immediately. 

I reach my apartment and pace back and forth, trying to think of a way to reveal my true self to her. But I can't seem to focus. Several hours pass while I think. I can still feel her presence on my hands, my chest, my back, my lips. I can't concentrate! I just need to breathe. To take control of myself. 

I'm pretty sure that I've already established that she doesn't completely hate me. She proved tonight that she's not scared of me. She trusts me. And for some reason, I trust her too. Indefinitely. I realize where I need to go tonight. I burst out of my apartment and across the pit floor.

As I head over to the stairs that lead to the simulation room, I see her. At first I think it's just my imagination, but no. It's her. I don't acknowledge her. I just keep walking up the steps, hoping that maybe she'll have spotted me too and decide to follow. 

Once I reach the top of the stairs, I grab a black box that holds the serum that I need. Then I hear a sound. Footsteps. Walking up the stairs. Tris. When I know that she's reached the top of the stairs, I address her.

"Since you're here, you might as well go in with me." I tell her, my back facing her. It was a spontaneous decision, but I already concluded that I trust her. I trust her with this small, but at the same time large, piece of my past.

"Into your fear landscape?" She asks me, biting down on her lip.

"Yes."

She starts walking toward me. Confusion is clear on her face when she speaks again. "I can do that?" When she asks the question, I remember how new this will be for her.

"The serum connects you to the program, but the program determines whose landscape you go through. And right now, it's set to put us through mine." I explain. And I notice that my tone isn't harsh like when I have to be Four, the instructor, but that it's softer, gentler.

"You would let me see that?" She asks me quietly. And I know that the reason I came here tonight was so that I could show her. Even subconsciously, I had a plan. This is how I will show myself to her.This is how she will finally know me better than anyone else in the world.

"Why else do you think I'm going in? There are some things I want to show you." I tell her, without meeting her eyes. I hold up the syringe and she obediently leans her neck back, exposing her throat. Her bare skin under my hands feels amazing and I almost don't want to let go, but I have to. Now's not the time to get carried away. I slide the syringe into her neck without breaking contact with her eyes. When I'm done, I hand her the black box with one syringe left. She looks at me with uncertainty.

"I've never done this before," She tells me with a shaky voice. I just point to a spot on my neck. She reaches up on her tiptoes and I can feel the needle push into my neck, but I don't focus on it. Instead I watch her face, her eyes. I stare at them the whole time. Then I take both syringes and place them back inside the box.