" I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that. For fuck sake, you're just only seventeen, Let's forget about it".
Tumalikod siya sa akin at sumuong sa tubig. He looked angry and problematic.
" Why? Is there an issue with the kiss?" I asked bravely and shouted at him.
"What are you saying? Of course I shouldn't kiss you, bakit? wala lang ba 'yon sayo. okay lang sayo?! okay lang na halikan ka ha?!! ganon ba? " he shouted back.
Bakit bigla siyang nagagalit.
"Why are you mad? It is just a kiss, and normal people do that. There's nothing wrong with that"
" Ohh, for someone who grew up abroad, of course it's normal for you" He said, disgustingly as he looked at me. Basang basa na siya pero nakipag sigawan pa siya sa akin. " ibahin mo ako sa mga lalaking kilala mo diyan kung wala lang 'yon sayo, it was a big deal to me I devoted my body only for the woman I love, and not to you, not to a girl like you, naiintindihan mo?"
Sh*t alam niya talaga kung paano ako saktan.
Gusto ko siya, oo at hindi ko aaminin 'yon sa kaniya, hindi ko aaminin na gusto ko siya... na okay lang 'yong kiss sa akin dahil nagustuhan ko rin naman.
at ano 'yong sinabi niya, for the woman? at ako girl?
I'm maybe still underage, but when it comes to experience, intelligence and beauty , talo 'yang woman niya sa akin.
"Okay, I understand, please accept my apologies for kissing you back" I raised my brows and teased him. Hindi ako magpapatalo noh..as I said before ... I perfect the art of pretending.
" Don't worry kasi nadala lang ako....at may naalala" I paused for a bit.....napangunot ang noo niya sa huling sinabi ko at syempre sinagad ko na ang gusto kung sabihin.
"You kissed like my man...who I admire" I sincerely said those words to him but he had a surprised and hurt expression on his face.
" I have feelings for this guy who don't even know how to cook, who have anger issues, tanned and wild. So careless but industrious. He loved his family deeply. He gave me a mix of emotions of longing, pain, sadness, and happiness and I just realized my feelings for him just, recently"
"and you kissed me as if you were him...that's why I kissed you back because you smell..and taste like him, I'm sorry. "
Those words cut him like a knife, and he looked at me with surprise. As if he doesn't believe what I've said. His eyes were a dark color at lalong dumilim... ng pinigilan niyan magsalita. Tumuloy na siya sa pag ligo niya, pumunta doon sa dulo na parang hanggang ngayon ay ini isip niya pa rin ang sinabi ko.
If he is the Sebastian that I used to know, he's fragile especially on the things or person that he loves. Ang tapang lang niya tignan pero alam ko rin ang kahinaan niya.
Sa ina asta niya parang gusto niya rin ako? No, I don't want to assume
I accepted my feelings for him, but that doesn't mean he have to love me back.
But I know a part of me hopes that he has feelings for me too.... because, even though he hasn't expressed it, I sense it. I want to live a free life with him. A life with just me and him and it's impossible if he can not love me back.
Is the love I fantasize is just one-sided?
Or maybe I am too brutal in expressing my feelings by describing him as another man. Na gusto ko raw kuno. Pero siya naman 'yong tinutukoy ko hindi ko lang masabi.
Sasabihin ko ba sa kaniya na siya ag gusto ko? natatakot kasi ako alam kung tinanggap ko na ang feelings ko sa kaniya naamin ko na sa sarili ko..hindi ko nga lang maamin sa kaniya.
Why is love so hard to tell? I have come through a chapter that is the best part of the book, and that is being in love and turning the pages to tell him that I love the kiss... that I love what we did earlier..that I love him..that he's the man that I'm referring to..
It is not so easy. I'm at a turning point in my life and am a bit scared about turning the page for the next chapter. A lot of thoughts and prayers about moving forward... and telling the truth.
