L'Amour Fou (bxb)

Chapter 12

Stepping out of the shower, I dried myself with a towel and headed out to my bedroom. After putting on my clothes, I went downstairs to grab a glass of water. I need a sign to tell me whether I'm meant to be with him or not. I'd always do this thing where I'd ask for a sign from the universe for validity. Of course, I wouldn't believe it unless the universe gave me a sign that's uncanny.

I heard footsteps from upstairs coming down the stairs. I didn't even know where he was before, but now knew he was heading my direction. I avoided making eye contact with him when he finally reached the kitchen; it would only make me get more attracted to him.
"What should I cook for you? Well. For us actually."
"I don't know," I replied, still resisting to make eye contact with him. "Whatever you want."
"I'll just make some pasta then."

He began to make the food, grabbing the packet of pasta from the cupboard and pouring it inside a large saucepan filled with boiling water. I watched at his concentration whilst cooking, noticing that he wasn't distracted by anything. Stop. Why am I even looking at him? I should be polite and ask him if he needs help instead. To my surprise, he instructed me to grate the cheese - I thought he would've said it was fine or something. I took the cheese from the refrigerator and the grater from the drawer and began grating. After a few minutes of cooking, he broke the silence by talking about how he learnt cooking pasta from his grandma, which warmed my heart.

"I spent most of my childhood with her and she taught me everything to do with cooking. Cooking was one of my favorite things to do as a kid - first it started off with just helping her cook, then I made easy meals, and over time I followed different recipes and cookbooks to make almost every type of dish."
He paused for a moment to check whether the pasta was soft before continuing.
"My grandma was the closest person to me in the world, and she'd always bake cookies for me whenever I was upset. She knew that cheered me up. She'd decorate it with a smiley face using icing and chocolate chips. I have to admit that she was a better cook than my mom. But as I grew older, she got weaker by age, and slowly, she became more and more ill. Eventually, it came to the time where I'd only meet her occasionally. She was admitted to the hospital and then she was diagnosed with leukaemia. I couldn't stand looking at her condition deteriorate, but I had to accept it. I had to accept the fact that her time was slowly coming to an end."
He wiped his tears from his eyes as I rubbed his back gently to console him. It surprised me to see him cry; even though it was only small tears, it showed that he actually had some empathy and emotions in him.

"Then one day, I rushed to go home to show my mom something I made at school - I was only around 10 or 11 then. She appreciated it but her tone of voice sounded upset. I asked her whether we could go to visit grandma since I wanted to show her it, but she ended up bursting with tears. Then I realized that she was no more."

He wiped his tears and faced my direction.
"Sorry for making this emotional. I didn't mean to," he said whilst chuckling lightly.
"No it's fine. I understand the pain of losing someone that you loved. I lost my friend when I was around 19. He was in a car accident and well, he couldn't make it in the end. It felt as if a part of me died when I found out. He was one of my closest friends at the time and always supported me no matter what. It must've been more painful for you since you had known your grandma for a very long time but you need to let go of it."
He looked at me confused at the last sentence I said; at this point I didn't refuse to make eye contact with him anymore. This was serious.
"When you were telling the story to me, you were crying but if you moved on you wouldn't have been. Moving on means freeing yourself from the emotions caused by the pain. Maybe you just didn't give yourself enough time to recover from it. The heaviness from your heart or the weight on your throat will go away once you move on. You still haven't accepted it, but you need to. I know there's some emotional void in you that you're trying to fill and I can help you. I don't know what happened in your past but I want you to know that I can support you with everything as long as you trust me. Will you trust me?"
"Yes. I'm glad you're willing to understand my problems, and honestly, it's creepy how you can look at someone and know what's going on inside them. You just told me shit that I didn't realize myself. And I thank you for that." He grabbed two plates from the cupboard below and placed it on the counter. "Anyway, the pasta is done now, let's eat."

I wasn't expecting him to open up to me about his grandma but I'm glad that he did. He is willing to express his feelings now - I know it's slow but it's something. Maybe I shouldn't query him, he himself will tell me when he's ready to. And I'm glad this conversation happened. I guess it shows that I was wrong for doubting my lov-. No. Not yet. Attraction for him. I don't know what's a bigger sign than this that shows me that I'm meant to be with him. He needs someone by his side, and that someone is me. Now without any doubt, I know that my goal is to fill the gap in his heart. I don't care whether he's straight or not, I need to fix him. I know he's a nice person. I know it.