a/n: This was a request on Tumblr. I'm not transmasc nor have anyone close to me that is it, but I did my homework and made a little research about this. I got the basics but I'm far from fully understanding it, so if I got anything wrong, or something offends you, please let me know so I can fix it!
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You slid through the wall until you sat on the floor and hugged your knees close to your chest. Tears were already forming in your eyes, making them burn. You didn't want to cry, you didn't want to feel like this, but you couldn't help it. It was just too much for you and you felt so tired.
Being you has never been easy. Everyone has to grow up with other people's expectations, you were sure. But it was different in your case because you were forced to grow up as something you never were, not really.
When you were born, someone declared you a female based on your genitals, and your family always treated you as one. They would make you wear dresses, play with dolls, they wanted you to be sweet and charming. Even your aunt taught you how to do your make up.
"To be beautiful for the boys" she said.
But that wasn't you.
You enjoyed some things, of course, like the make up (as long as you keep it subtle and not too often) or even some clothes, but that was it. You just weren't what they wanted you to be. You tried to talk with them, and even if some members of the family accepted you, the rest just didn't, and it hurted so much when they would call you with femenine pronouns. You were sure they did it on purpose, trying to make you "regain sense".
You didn't want to go to school, because of the pressure of having to wear what "girls had to wear". You stopped eating healthy and even had trouble sleeping. They thought you were throwing a tantrum. When you were old enough, you left your house. It was just too much and you had to leave that life behind. It wasn't yours after all, it was a life made for a little girl. Not for you.
You really couldn't remember how you ended up in Westview, but it wasn't important. You felt safe there and everything was fine. Except that it was a lie too.
Sometimes, you would feel someone's eyes in your back, or would hear someone whispering (not so subtle) about your hair, your clothes, etc. It was the same thing you were running away from, but it seemed like it followed you. But, you couldn't leave. Not this time.
"Y/N? dear, are you there?" Agatha's voice came from the other side of the door and you sighed.
She was the only thing keeping you here. Agatha was your everything. She was the first person you met when you arrived at the town. At that time, you believed her name was Agnes. She complimented you, saying how beautiful of a woman you were. It hurted you, yes, but it was your fault. You were the one who decided to wear makeup that day, after all.
You did want to make a good impression, so you just let it pass, and shyly agreed to have dinner with her that night, not that you really had a choice. Agnes made clear that she would come to your house that night if you didn't go to hers. You would have been offended, but she was cute, so, the hell with it.
And that was the start of your relationship. Dinner turned into a morning walk, that turned into lunch, that turned into tea and gossip in your house, that turned into movies night. And then it suddenly became your Friday routine. Accidental brushes turned into hand holding. Then came the first date, the first kiss and you two walked slowly to the point of no return.
After the third date, you decided it was enough and couldn't pretend anymore. So, when she was holding you on the couch, you cleared your throat and made her pause the movie to look at you.
It was a hard talk for you, because you didn't want to lose her, but you also wanted her to know you. The real you.
It was a surprise when Agnes frowned before she took your face in her hands and stared at you. She scolded you for not telling her before and quickly apologized for having called you the wrong pronouns all this time. You blinked, not expecting that reaction. It was a relief, not having to pretend with her like you did with your family.
But you weren't the only one having to pretend. After your reveal, she took you to her house and showed you her basement.
"A secret for a secret, hon" she had said before she told you her real name was Agatha Harkness and that she was a witch. At first, you were confused, then you were angry that she was joking like this just after you got the courage to tell her about you, then you just wanted to laugh, and finally, when she showed you her beautiful purple magic, you blinked. You felt fear, but it was just for a second. Then, you remembered all the words she said to you, how she wanted to be there for you, by your side. And you knew, you wanted that too. You wanted to be with her, no matter what.
Agatha became more protective of you after that. She would do anything to make sure you felt comfortable, she never questioned you for your likings and would always encourage you to be yourself. She was always by your side and you were so happy for that.
But that didn't mean you couldn't feel insecure.
"Y/N" she knocked again, interrupting your thoughts "Love, please open up" she begged you and the amount of love and concern you heard in her voice was enough to finally let the tears run through your face.
Agatha frowned when she heard you crying and decided it was enough. Using her magic, she opened the door and quickly kneeled in front of you. "Y/N, what's wrong?" she asked softly, pulling you into her arms.
You hid your face in her chest and tried to explain it, but it came out in parts. Just a few words. So she asked for your permission to look at your mind. It took you some minutes but you finally nodded and she did it.
She saw it all like you lived it. She felt the same eyes on her back as you did, heard the same whispers, saw the same judging look you got. Some were eyes from people of Westview, but others were from people outside, your family, ex friends, etc. She felt the same anxiety you had, the need to run, to scream. To be free.
She saw the world like you did, and it broke her heart. Because you were watching the world with broken eyes.
Agatha felt her own tears coming to her eyes, as she saw you looking at yourself through the mirror, you had half of your face with make up, but you doubted doing the other side. She saw how you wanted to pick flowers, but kept walking when people looked at you.
She felt your insecurity.
"I don't know who i am anymore" you whispered when she came back to reality. Agatha kissed your temple and gently rocked you, her holding tightening around you.
"You're Y/N" she said "my little star"
"But i don't know what i am" you cried "I always fought against the idea of being a woman, but i keep doing things that women do"
"No" she said "you do things that people do"
"This is not how transmasc people are supposed to be"
"Y/N, there's not right way to be transmasc" she whispered, running her finger through your hair "or anything else, for the record. People don't have to look or act a certain way for their gender to be valid. You want to wear makeup sometimes? Then we'll do each other's make up! You want to pick flowers? Then you go to that garden and bring back a bouquet for our kitchen table. You can do anything you want because just you are you. Love, nobody can tell you how to be you."
You cried harder on her chest, not understanding how someone that was supposedly evil could love this much. Agatha pressed another kiss on your temple before she grabbed you by the chin, making your e/c eyes meet her blue ones.
"I love you, Y/N. Y-O-U.It's up to you to decide what you're comfortable with, but whatever you decide it is, i'll be by your side"
A small smile appeared on your face and you silently swore you would give this woman the world. You would fight Wanda, her magic and everything else for her. She wiped your tears before she lovingly kissed you, making you feel like, no matter what, you were her little star, and you will be safe.
