I Should've Known: Book Two

Hazel

I've never seen Madds so mad at me since that time I kicked her out of our dorm when I walked in on her making out with her ex.

To be fair, I started it. I didn't realize the rude things I said to her until I got back to my place. I tried calling her but she didn't answer. My heart fell and I wished I could rewind time.

So I wasn't in the mood to talk about marriage with Adam that night. I seriously trying my best to go over my nerves for the subject.

I'm scared. Why? It's Adam. But when I think of a lifetime with him, I step back. What is holding me back from jumping with joy?

I put away the last of the clothes and sit on the edge of my bed. I look at Adam's side and my heart sinks.

My mother. She comes back. The memory of my father leaving comes back. So that's what's making me so afraid.

I'm scared I'll end up like my mother...

My heart sinks even more as this thought becomes more real. I let out a small sigh and beg the skies for Adam to understand.

I'm not ready. I can't have my heart break again. I won't watch someone else leave my life again.

So I practice my speech throughout my day. Unfortunately, I have a day off today so I can't distract my mind with work and my best friend is mad at me so I can't use Matthew as a distraction, too. But the time arrives for him to come back from the hospital. I've already made dinner and I anxiously wait for him by the dinner table.

Then the sound of the front door opening makes me jump and I put on a fake smile when he comes in. "Hey, honey."

"Hey, sweetie." He gives my lips a quick kiss. Exhaustion weighs on his shoulders but he still carries that beautiful shine in his dark blue eyes.

May he please understand...

"I'm going to take a shower."

"Okay. I have dinner ready."

"Sounds good!" He gives my lips one last kiss before he leaves for the shower.

The moment he disappears around the corner, I let out a breath. Stop being nervous. It's Adam!

But it crawls under my skin like those nights I used to live with my mother. Like those nights she would come back drunk and take out her anger on me. Oh. I have not thought of those few nights before. I have not told anyone of those nights...

I shiver at the sudden memory. But it doesn't stay long as I decide to shove it away by prepping the dinner table. Adam soon comes in with his shiny smile. "Wow! This looks amazing! Are we celebrating something?"

I chuckle as we sit down. "No. I just didn't have much to do today so I looked up a recipe."

"Well this looks yummy." He gives me a sweet look before digging into his plate. I let out a quiet breath as nerves poke me. I can barely swallow anything. Luckily, he does not notice.

"How was your day today at the hospital?"

"Hm. It was alright. I've had better days. How about you? Did you end up visiting my sister after all?"

The thought of Madds makes my heart sink. "No...I did not. Um. She—I was busy doing laundry."

"Oh that's nice." He gives me a small smile before taking a drink of his juice. "There was a patient today that was making our department want to quit."

"Why?"

He starts telling of a patient who had lost his arm just recently in a surgery. He claimed it was all just a dream. It was an illusion given to him from a magician and that's why he can't see his arm but still feel it. I can't help but hold in a laugh at his story because Adam sounds very serious about this. I don't know how shrinks can handle people everyday.

"I tried visiting my sister but I thought I should come home instead."

Home. My heart wants to melt but I don't let it. What does he mean by home?

His eyes begin to sparkle. My nerves come back because they are the same sparkle he had when I avoided his question about marriage.

I realize that it's now or never. So I gently put down my fork and softly say, "I was talking with your sister the other day." Adam nods with his soft smile and I have to keep telling my heart to stop falling this once. "She inferred something on...marriage?"

Adam's smile gently turns small but his soft firmness only shows that he's curious to see what I have to say. I let out a sigh and gently say, "I can't help but remember a few nights ago when you asked me about marriage. Adam, do you want to get married soon?"

Adam stays silent. His shining eyes are carefully studying my every gesture and savoring every word I've just said. He's a girl shrink. Even with me as he stays quiet before shrugging. "I mean...why not? We already live together. I say we put a ring on it."

"We've only been together for six months! Don't you think that's too quick?"

"But we've adapted with each other so well. There isn't a difference if we marry. We will still live with each other and love each other."

"But marriage is a big commitment, Adam!"

Adam immediately loses the sparkle in his eyes and furrows his brows. "Then what do you call our relationship?"

"I didn't mean it like that. Please understand my point of view—"

"Then help me understand."

"I'm trying! I just...I don't want to get married now! Why don't wait a year or so?"

"A year or so?"

"Yes. That way we know that we really do work together."

"But we're already living together, Hazel! What is the difference if you have a ring or not?!"

My heart races as the different reasons as to why I don't want a ring pops up. But I say the first that comes to mind. "Because I don't to live the same thing my mother did!"

Adam stays silent and his anger slowly subsides as I let my eyes fall. "I don't want to regret later on and become like my mother. I don't know what a happy marriage is. I have never seen it until I met your parents. You've lived in that reality all your life! But please...try to see what my reality looks like."

Adam's expression softens. His hand reaches for mine and gives it a soft kiss. Tears threaten to fall from my eyes but I hold them still as he gently says, "I would never leave you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. But please...consider forever with me. We will work together and become stronger. It seems scary but I promise it won't be like your mother. I'm not going anywhere but back home to you."

My heart melts and I let it be. Nerves still crawl under my skin and I let it be. He gives my head a soft kiss before taking his plate to the sink. I look down at my own plate and realize that I'm not even half way done. What am I going to do? This fear will not let me live normally like it used to with Adam. Can we live normally if we were to marry? Or the moment he puts the ring on my finger, we will see the truth behind each yell.

No. I must wait. I will at least think about it but I can't jump too soon. That's what my mother did and then...we were left behind.

Adam gives my lips a kiss before going to our room. I watch him leave. My mind tricks me and it's like I'm watching him leave forever.

What will it be? Staying or leaving forever?