I Should've Known: Book Two

Hazel

I'm okay. I will be fine. Get your crap together.

I need to repeat this in the mirror every morning to continue my day.

New year. New me, right? I mean...life is back to normal after the storm. You just have to go back to the start and move on.

It feels like I'm back home as I create a new schedule. The same schedule in fact. Wake up. Run. Eat. Work. Study. Sleep. Repeat. It's a schedule that has kept me sane this past month.

Madds has continued to come visit me and check on me. My heart melts every time I'm reminded of her warmth, but once I get in bed by myself I remind myself that this is how it should be in the end. My heart won't ever hurt again. My cries won't be as painful as before.

So I have to stay away from Adam. I can't see him or else my heart will want to go back to the same painful cycle of loving someone so deeply. I never thought love was so painful. I wish I would have known. No wonder my mother had such a miserable life. She thought love could win, but no. He still left.

So I avoid bumping into him. There have been a few times he's seen me from afar and gives me a small wave. The same nerdy wave he used to give me in college. Before my heart can shiver, I give him a firm nod and walk away. This time, he gets to watch me leave.

People don't believe me when I tell them I'm okay. It gets me frustrated because I know I'm lying to myself. I know I'm not okay but at least lying to myself is much better than letting the truth break me again. I decide to put the blindfold on. Why can't someone just help me tie it around me?

But that's okay. I'll be okay. I'm fine. I just have to take a deep breath and walk in my patients' rooms. They all jump up and down with happiness and this is when I can finally feel something genuine. It's their little smiles that reminds me that there is still truth behind happiness and love.

Unfortunately, I have a spare hour before I get dinner. I could get dinner but I know Adam will be there. He's already tried talking to me once. I can't handle listening to him again without crying. I'm not ready to face him again so I decide to visit someone I have not seen since the break up.

I put a gentle knock on the wooden door and see Mrs. LaRue smile when she sees me. Despite of her exhaustion, she reaches her arms so she can hug me.

"I'm so happy to see you, my dear!" she says in her best English. "I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you, too," I gently say. "How are you feeling? How's the new treatment?"

She does a shrug and sighs. "Okay I guess."

"I see. Not what you expected."

She shakes her head. "No difference. But Madeline." She does a shrug and I understand.

"She just wants to see that you'll be okay. She wants the best options for you. This is the best."

She does another sad sigh and thinks before slowly saying, "I...stop. Not give up. It's just...no more. No more fight. Enough is enough."

I understand that look. It's the same shine in Madeline when she wants to give me a definite explanation. It has its answer already. Sometimes...you just need to stop trying because eventually it won't work. I should know.

I clear my throat and take her hand. I try to soften my expression but still burn that determination only Madds knows how to hold. "You have to try one more time," I say. "For Madeline. For family. They love you. They need you now more than ever. Try. Try until you can say you've had enough. But I think there's still fight in you. I can see it."

She lets my words sink as she slowly nods, but that contagious smile starts at her lips and soon I have a smile of my own spreading across my face. She does a small giggle and says, "Just like you. Like Madeline, too."