I Should've Known: Book Two

Hazel

The last thing she told me was, "Music is escape. Let it heal you."

I take it at heart. I listen to music all the time. I hear it in the small conversations of parents with their kids. I hear it in children's laughter. I hear it in the soft voices of nurses and doctors. I hear it in the heart beats of monitors in each hospital room. I hear it whenever a new life comes into the world.

I remember hearing that song vaguely among the song I was singing with Adam. We danced together to the song from Hello Dolly. That memory feels so far away. I still hear it every time my heart cries to him.

There's this bitterness deep down. I continue to lie to myself that I'm fine. I don't miss him. I don't need him. I'm fine on my own. I should've known that this is how it will eventually all end.

Then there's those moments when I catch his eyes from across the hall. Where I see his smile and hear his laughter. I still hold onto his ties whenever I get the guitar from the closet. I use it more often and I should take it out of the closet. But I leave it there. That way I can bump into the last glimpse of what I had with Adam.

I watch him eat with a friend. The same friend that asked me if I was one of the medical students from the Gifted Program. They talk and smile. I watch Adam's eyes sparkle. They no longer carry that deep sadness he had when he was with me. It makes my heart sink knowing that he's already happy. He no longer needs me...

So I look away. The pain slowly turns into anger and I have to distract it with my salad. No. Actually I'll just cut my break short and just go back to the ward.

I quickly get up and throw my bowl away. Among my steps, I hear other steps following me into the hallway until I hear their voice. A voice similar to the one I heard in the library. Just like that day, I was looking for an escape until I heard his voice.

"Hazel."

I freeze and close my eyes. I wish I was back there. I wish I could rewind the tape and never have seen him. I wish I never would have stopped like I did now.

Keep going.

I obey my hurt heart this time and continue walking. But of course, he never understands. He keeps running. He always runs after me!

"Hazel! Wait!"

"What do you want, Adam?"

I abruptly turn around that it makes him nearly fall back. His eyes are wide and seems to look around as if someone had seen us. "Why are you so mad? I'm still your friend, you know."

I scoff and cross my arms on my chest. "Right."

His happiness leaves and his blue eyes turn sad again. "Look. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to cause so much pain. But you and I both knew that it would come to this at some point."

"I don't want to talk about this now, Adam. Have a good day."

I start to walk away again but he takes my wrist and stops me. "Then when? When will you ever stop running away? When will you understand?!"

"Understand what, Adam? That you left just because you couldn't wait? That you were not willing to at least understand my part of the story?!"

"No no. I left because you were the one that didn't understand! I understood why you said no but you would always have something new! Always adding to the list of why you didn't like this or why you didn't feel safe about—"

"I'm sorry that my trauma was too much for you. You must be a great counselor."

Adam's eyes flare with anger and his jaw clenches. "See?! This is what I mean! God! You always have something to say! Why can't you just listen for once?! I'm sorry that it was so sudden but I tried, okay? I tried so hard to understand and to hold on but...enough was enough."