I Should've Known: Book Two

Madeline

I have not cried like this ever. I wonder if this is how Hazel felt like about a month ago when I took care of her that night.

I wonder if she still feels this way sometimes. It's horrible.

I try my best to understand. I try my best to be strong but for the first time, I fail. I've failed to my father. I've failed to my family. I really thought I could save her...

My mother tried comforting me. Her hugs were soft and warm. I imagined them to be the last ones and I let my head fall on her chest like I would do when I was younger. I listened to her soft hums and only felt her cold hands run through my hair.

What am I going to do without her?

This thought keeps me from sleeping. I can't close my eyes because all I see is her eyes turn dim and her body cold. I shiver and I'm scared. I'm so scared. This loneliness is starting to creep in my heart at the thought of her silence that will make the world a foggy place.

Then Mateo hears my quiet sniffles and turns to wrap his arms around me. He does not have to say a single word to make my heart nerves heart stop. I melt up against him. I let the screaming thoughts fade out with just the sound of her breath. Of their breath.

It's like Matthew can feel my sadness. He looks up at me with sad wide eyes. I breastfeed him and he brings out his little hand for me to hold. I smile at his comfort and hold him close. He lets me cover his soft face with kisses as I spill my aching heart to him. He's just as strong as his father as they both hold onto my pieces.

The only person I have not interacted with is my father. I'm scared to know what he thinks. I brought him here with hope but I've only given him death.

But today, he stops in his steps when he sees me in the kitchen counter. I just took a small pill for headaches and look back at him. For a moment, it feels unfamiliar to have him so close. But he gives me a tender smile and I return it. He sweetly wraps his arms around me and I sink in his warm chest. I begin to sniffle as tears stain his brown shirt.

"I'm so sorry, Dad," I say with a quivering whisper. "I'm so sorry. I really thought—"

He tenderly lifts my face so I see his sad eyes. He still has that warm smile I saw every night before going to bed when I was younger. It makes my lips quiver as I hear him say, "It's okay, my dear. It will all be okay."

"But I thought—"

"Enough is enough. We have fought. We have been strong. Now all we can do is live."

His slow tears connect with mine as I share a smile with him. "Will you go? To live?"

My father does a sad chuckle. "No. I talked with your mother. We realized that it's not the house that made life beautiful. It was you. It was Adam. And now it's Matthew and Mateo and even Hazel. This is home. You are our home."

"Oh, Daddy. I'm so sorry. The house—"

"We're going to sell it."

My eyes grow wide with surprise. "But you love that house, Dad. Why would you let it go? Where would you go once Mom—"

"I will have nothing once your mother is gone. I will nothing to go back to so I'd rather stay where my kids are. Plus, I could use that money to get a nice place here."

My heart shrinks at the thought of my father going back to an empty place. I don't ever remember him being alone. He was either with my mother or with Adam and I. In fact, he never liked being alone. I'm glad he decided to stay close. I promise I won't let him fade away.

"I'm assuming you will go back then to do the paperwork."

My father does a small nod and I let out a small sigh. My mind brings back it's dangerous thoughts of my mother dying and I won't be able to say goodbye. No. I won't ever have enough time. She's slipping faster everyday.