Deep into Despair | xBayani

Chapter Twenty-Eight

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Two weeks later

Naria's POV

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Things have been getting worse and worse, I just don't understand why my life has to be complete trash. Jordan and Will found out about my cutting, and lately, I just feel so worthless, so down. I mean I hang out with all three of the guys, and I'm still dating Ace, but nothing's going right for me, I feel so empty. I have no purpose, no reason to stay alive, I'm just existing and that's not enough. But what makes it worse is that Jordan and Ace are constantly fighting. They have almost opposite personalities, but they don't get along. They continuously throw out insults about each other; Ace making fun of Jordan for being a gamer and Jordan making fun of Ace for working at a store and not having a "fun" job. They need to get over it and I'm sick of it too. I'm just lucky to have Will to help them not kill each other. Everything went downhill when they found out about me self harming again, and when Jordan and Will found out about Ace and I dating. I don't understand why this is happening. Nothing stays good for too long. I've observed it for years now. I've been living in a hell for so long and it's starting to occur again. It all began that day Ace and I started dating.

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We all watch the movie in silence, I feel tension in the air, though I don't know where it's coming from. Suddenly, Jordan stands up abruptly.

"Naria, can I talk to you?" He asks a bit bitterly.

"Uh, yeah," I say, getting out of my seat.

We walk towards my bedroom, where we used to hang out all the time. I shake the memory out of my head. It's the past.

"Why are you starting again?"

"Uh.."

"Please," he pleads, taking my hand and pulling up the sleeves of my flannel.

I stare at the cuts on my wrist, and sigh.

"Jordan, I'm sorry, but things are hard. It's even harder to forget the past, forget what happened to us, what happened to Will, what happened to me,"

He sighs, taking a strand of my hair and placing it behind my ear. "Then make some more memories. If you can't forget the past, then keep moving. Make a new start and begin living it, okay?"

I nod my head. It's getting frustrating. I can't just continue, knowing that things are not going to last long.

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I try to shake out the thoughts, but they just sit in the back of mind, still lurking. I walk into the kitchen, and think of making something to eat. I open the light brown drawer to my right. It's full of utensils: forks, spoons, and knifes. I stare intensely at the sharp edges of the knifes. I can't resist but to pick one up. The metal, nice and smooth. I run my fingers on the edges, accidentally making a small cut on the tip of my ring finger. I grip the knife harshly, as the drops of crimson blood soak my finger. How can one tiny cut draw so much blood? But then I remember, I attract pain.

My life is worthless, I'm trash, I have no purpose, I'm fake, nobody understands me, no one needs me, I don't need this shell, I'm not okay, I'm not fine, I'm not perfect, I'm not normal, I'm not me, I'm not human, I'm not part of this world, I'm in my own world, I'm not special, I'm not natural, I'm not properly loved, I'm alone, I'm done. I think about all the things, all the reasons, everything that makes me worthless, that makes me an awful person. I point the knife, the sharp edge towards my arm. The fingers of my right hand strongly grip it, ready. My face softens, and of course I'm too weak. I abruptly drop it, unpleasantly cutting my arm, and acrimoniously making a huge cut. It falls to the ground, creating a loud, ear splitting noise, like the shattering of glass. The blood soon splatters along with it.