Empress of Self-Ruin

Chapter 6: Trust or Lack Thereof

Smashing my hand in the mirror was the wake-up call I needed to finally get myself together, but it was easier said than done.

There were days when my head just didn't work. When I tried to focus, it was like running through water. My brain fogged and my thoughts went nowhere at all. Sometimes I thought it was nature's anesthesia, anything to numb the pain, to wipe out the horror.

There were times of clarity, too; sudden moments when I could see every detail and feel every feeling. I hoped it was a sign that I was finally processing everything that had happened—that my mind was slowly wiping out the bad memories to stop me from reliving them.

But it wasn't a smooth process. The moments of clarity offered temporary relief, but the flashbacks and confusion always returned. The harder I fought them, the more intense they became, as if deep in my head neurons were fighting for their lives, refusing to wither away, and I had no other choice except to endure everything.

This is beyond madness, I thought to myself as I massaged my aching temple.

This whole thing was overwhelming me in ways I didn't think possible. I could barely grasp the concept of this whole regression and reincarnation shit, let alone the fact that I, Calypso Berenice, was nothing more than an ordinary woman playing the role of a background character in this goddamn book.

Hell, they didn't even need me to keep the story going. The main characters; Arsen, Phoebe, and their daughter would eventually defeat the villain a.k.a Duke Constantine, and find their happy ending even without me in the picture.

What about me then? Am I supposed to just be miserable for life?

I took a deep breath and sighed as I glanced at the picture frame on the right corner of my table. It was a picture of Arsen and me that was taken at the flower festival when I was only seventeen and he was nineteen.

This girl, really...

I was still not sure if regaining my past life memories as Hanbyeol was a blessing or a curse. Probably both?

I furrowed my brow. It was overwhelming to have two different perspectives in one head.

I could clearly feel the conflict between her and myself. It was similar to water and oil violently being mixed into one. Sometimes I thought I was going insane.

Of course, my Calypso's part was still more dominant. At the end of the day, I was still Calypso, just with additional memories.

An image of a red-haired child suddenly passed through my mind, crying as he buried his face in my shoulder. I smiled bitterly and shook the image away, my gaze shifting back to the picture. How twisted all of this is.

When I read the novel, I thought the only crazy ones were the main characters. It turned out that Calypso... was crazy as well.

Then again, growing up under the care of a woman like Odette Elloid wasn't a complete skip through a meadow of flowers either. All those harsh disciplinary lessons my mother forced upon me growing up must have had a greater effect than I expected.

I extended my hand out to the picture frame and slid my fingers gently across it.

Is this really what I'm born to be? A background character?

I asked the question as I stared at my own reflection through the glass of the picture frame, deep green-colored eyes looking back at me, but no answer came back. I guess, that was what you got for thinking you were unique when in reality you were not.

I spoke to the reflection again. This time, I brought out the words in my mind, not a question.

I would be damned if I had to accept my fate, playing the role of an extra, of being someone else's means, and thrown into the gutter just to make the protagonists shine.